The other day I was having a Facebook conversation with one of my friend and we were just talking about life like always since we really have nothing to talk about. And then she mentions about how she is pretty much giving herself a “pity party” since she has never dated, had her first kiss, none of those cool things that a typical 22 years old had experienced. Well, I never had my first kissed too, but I never gave myself a pity party. Or maybe, I have been and just don’t notice it because maybe it’s become part of my daily life that I’m just so used to it by now and it doesn’t even hurt anymore. And then I told her that we needed some adventures and we really do beside being beach bums. Life….life…life is just life, tasteless and bland unless you do something fun and wild, but not so wild.
I notice all these other kids my age that have become like superstars, I mean look at all these Kpop idols that are around my age 22 years and they have already started their career because they knew they wanted to become a singer or actors. And I’m looking at myself with an empty road ahead of me. I used to be so enthusiastic like “Yeah, I’m going to become a great doctor one day when I grow up.” Now, I’m like “it’s so hard and I’m so tired.” Yet, my family doesn’t probably know because I stay home most of the time doing nothing and they always said “You don’t do anything you just stay home.” However, have they ever think about the point that I’m trying not to put myself down, I’m home studying preparing for either the MCAT or GRE and I basically have no idea what I’m going to do for my life. My passion has completely run out and I need some spazz to my life now. In all honesty, right now I’m completely exhausted. And it seems that my family don’t seem to know, but I don’t blame them because I’m not the type to express myself. I tend to cry quietly inside.
Nearly all my friends have a stable job now and I don’t, even my older sister finally became a teacher at last, my brother got a job at Taco Bell for a few years now and one of my younger sister is at KFC. What am I doing? Staying home most of the time cooking, cleaning, reading, studying, drawing, doing my nails, getting pay to edit papers or take photos for other people. And I have no nearby friends, they’re all so faraway. This is when I realized I’m getting into my slump years really early. All these adults told me that when I’m in my 2o’s it’s going to be the bomb of my life; whatever, I’m already reaching my slump already and can only live day by day. This also when I realize that life is a lonely journey. I miss all my friends, my high school days, college days and there are times now that I wished I can go back in time to change some decisions or actions. Man, I am throwing myself a pity party without knowing. It’s time to go get some wine from Wal-Mart and hide it. And to be honest I am tired of applying day by day eagerly waiting for a phone call or an email to only get rejected. That is how desperate I need to get a stable job besides editing papers for my friends’ friends and being a freelance photographer.
I obviously have no one to talk too and at the moment I can’t seek comfort from my friends because half of them are going through the same thing while the other half is too excited about their new start in life. And it’s not like I can sit down with my friends and we all be gloomy talking about how we all are halfway failures at life. To tell you how I feel here is a scenario, imagine a rock sitting at the top of a cliff that when the wind blows it looks like it is about to roll off but it doesn’t. That’s me right there as the rock. At the same time, there are so many people that have high hopes for me telling me “You can do it Mai! I believe in you” and then some telling me “She’s probably going to be a bum forever.” I hate people who looks down on me and that is one of the reason why I work so hard, but even now those criticism don’t even give me like any passion or fire to boost my energy up. I must be mentally exhausted or probably need to seek an expert for help.
Right now I feel like there are all these people that moves through life so quickly especially when they walk by me and I’m like not a single one of you understands what I am going through. I mean many people say that life is not a lonely journey because God gives blessings such as friends, spouses, family and friends. However, I don’t think that is necessarily true. If that was true than why do people suffer from depression? Why do people commit suicide? How about those suffer from disorder like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Do you know how those people lived day by day? Because I surely don’t. All I have to say that if you haven’t reach your period of loneliness, then just be prepared for it. Surely enough I wasn’t prepared for my time of pettiness or loneliness since no one told me it can come so early. At this point I really wish I can go back in time or just freeze time. Guess, I can probably use this time writing this post to go do some preparing for the MCAT/GRE or searching for more job…but that just makes me more depressed.
It’s not like I have enough to support me to go a fabulous journey; hence, why I love to read so much and watch documentaries about nature. Also another reason why I have so much ambition to be successful so that one day I can travel around the world and hopefully get to see the seven wonders of the world. Just thinking about makes me feel old, like seriously I’ll probably be somewhere in my 40’s-50’s traveling with some of my friends and thinking back to this time when we all were 20-something. Well, better late than never. Seriously, though how many of you sometimes feel like me? Like time is moving on by and you’re stuck where you at with no motivation and you feel like you’re all alone?