Incomplete Life

submitted by Anonymous

I once thought about suicide. Wonder how I’d be free of all my problems and. Live happily or will  I ever? There were days that I just look around and think to myself how empty my life was. And how it’s just so bland, no excitement no nothing. Nowadays I am jealous of my friends who would reply “I can’t hang out because I have work.” For me it’s “I need to hang out” or “grab a drink” because I’m currently unemployed and have nothing to do beside reading and writing all day.

I begin to realize that school days were the bomb of the my life. I always had something to do and at least I was never alone. Actually during school days I look forward to my “alone self days” to spend time to myself.  And I miss those days. Even then there were nights I lied in bed tossing and turning until 2am thinking what I’m doing with my life. And why am I working so hard for nothing. I studied hard but sometimes I don’t get the grade I want at the end of the semester. I never give up, keep trying and staying positive but then I don’t get the job I want at the end. Everything seems to fall apart and nothing isn’t working out right.

There were even times I tell myself “Dying will make you feel better” and so I would held my breath like a game, but I never finish the game. And there are no interruptions for me to finish my game, I just never finish it and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid to die knowing I’ll die with regrets? I don’t know. Some days I even think about mixing clorox bleach with water to drink. There’s a reason why the label says not to drink it. Of course, I haven’t gone that far as the clorox is always in the back of my sister’s car, and she takes her car everyday to work.

Searching for happiness and a meaning to live wasn’t what I was doing, I was looking for ways to survive in this harsh and cruel world. How to transition from independent to dependent? And sometimes being jealous of those who are already one or two steps ahead of me. One day I realized something and that something woke me up real good. I had just finished reading Hector and the Search for Happiness like a week ago and was talking to my friend on the phone. She was telling me how one of her younger female cousin committed suicide because her cousin failed the College Entrance Exam in South Korea. Yes, my friend’s family is from South Korea. Unlike the US where the SAT and ACT are offered throughout the  year multiple times, there is only once chance per  year for students in South Korea to take the college entrance exams to get into their choice of university. Luckily, she didn’t died. Her older brother saw her suffocating just in time, so she’s still alive and now studying somewhere in South Korea.

My friend was telling me about how she felt bad for her female cousin. And I told her that’s because no one had told her cousin that she had worked hard all along and she did her best up to her limit. And life should never be measured by how well the scores, evaluations, or promotions are. Instead it should be measure by the people who appreciates us and by every breath we breathe every second because someone is always thinking about us, our parents, siblings, and friends. I realized then that even I haven’t notice that and if I did I ignored the fact that I gave it my all and that I have much more to live for. It’s not just about me, but those around me as well.

Nowadays, I’m doing fine. Still unemployed but at least I’m getting paid to babysit and to walk dogs every other days. I still feel like my life is still incomplete, but as I keep going and work harder I realize my life is bound to be complete one day. Maybe not 100% complete, because life isn’t meant to be that way. Something will always either be lacking or needs improvement.

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