Job Hunt Burnout

Exhausted. Rejections. Feeling downgraded. It is exactly how I feel right now. For years I have been wanting to move and get out from the retail industry. I’m 27, soon to be 28, I have bills to pay and $9 per hour is just not going to provide me for the rest of my life. My paychecks barely get me through two weeks.

Each and every day I’m constantly on LinkedIn and Indeed looking at jobs scrolling down the page through the late nightfall. The requirements and qualifications for those job postings make my head hurts. Nonetheless, I still give it a shot. Some which lead me to rejections and most I never even heard back from.

When I fill out these applications and get to the surveys, I just ask myself why? Why? How are these surveys judging me before I can even meet with the employers? Why are the surveys giving me a personality score when the surveys don’t even know me and I’m just being honest?! What am I doing wrong that I cannot even get a job?!

I look at jobs located three hours away and even out of state, but with my student loans I cannot afford to move out. I’ll be dirt poor and homeless before I know it! I comfort myself by going to sleep, browse online adding stuff to all my shopping carts but never make a purchase, and then just watch funny shows to lighten my day. It’s so depressing.

Application after application and I’m burnout. I’m tired of looking. I’m tired of editing my resume and cover letter. I’m even tired of working at my current job!

I look at all my friends, most of them, who have a career and think to myself that they must be happy or less miserable than me. Some people ask me why don’t I get a new job, but they don’t even know the amount of applications I put in each week. They don’t even know how I silently cry myself to sleep each night. They have no idea how many times I have to pick myself up and start from square one. I have no idea how many times I have given up hope on myself, to only bite my tongue, accept the results and move on with life.

Job hunt burnout is real and for once I would just like to hear from someone that it’s okay and I’m doing fine.

My Thoughts on Face Mask Mandates

A lot of the states now are making face masks mandatory when out in the public. Some states probably have exceptions. Honestly, it has not been easy for anyone. Since, I work in retails and my store manager enforces that every customers wear a face coverings I decided to share my thoughts on it. Just for everyone’s information our store has an official sign from corporate requiring face masks. Therefore, corporate is actually the one enforcing that everyone wears a face mask. Moreover, we provide curbside service through buy online pickup at the store for customers who cannot or choose not to wear any kind of face coverings.

The store I work at never shut down. Ever since the limitation of customers in the store, we’ve been getting so many nasty attitudes from customers. Then of course, a few months goes by we decided to reopen the doors instead of limiting the amount of customers. Even at this time I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from the way customers treated me and my coworkers on a daily basis for following government and corporate regulations.

Then of course came the face mask mandate that is now some type of conspiracy in court. Face mask has now become a political topic. A sensational topic dividing citizens apart instead of making everyone working together through this whole pandemic.

My coworkers and I have no choice but to wear a face mask or any type of face coverings. One because none of us have medical conditions and secondly we work there. Every single day there are a handful of customers that we have to ask to put on a face mask. I work some mornings, mainly the closing shift, but I can say this for sure. The morning shift people don’t have to worry about rude customers because all the rude customers love to shop during my shift.

Most of the customers that we have to asked to wear a face mask always say the same thing, “I’m an exemption” or “I have a medical exemption.” I understand that you are an exception because like you I can also read. Maybe unlike you, I read through the whole entire mandate which allows stores to make accommodations for anyone that meets any of the exceptions. (Insert picture).

Every time I, along with my coworkers, tell them the same thing. “Face masks are require in our store as there is also a sign on the door. If you cannot wear one then you can use our curbside service, which is buy online and pickup at our store.” They would storm out and come back in with a face mask. They leave empty handed, but we can all care less.

We even have customers who have said they don’t have face masks or forgot it. Of course, we said the same thing (wear one or use the online service) in addition to telling them they can purchase face mask from the store. Some customers will buy one while the majority goes out to their car and come back with a face mask on.

Why do people do this? If you have a medical exception and you know for sure that the store requires face mask, but have accommodation for you why do you have to come in and then get upset? First all, if you are really that sick or have a serious medical condition why are you out and about shopping in such a small store where people can barely have room to stay six feet apart?!

I don’t like asking customers to put a face mask on in front of other people, but I do it because my supervisor tell us too and because corporate is enforcing it. I feel bad that a customer have a medical condition and can’t breath, but what can I do beside providing the customer with other shopping options. I’m just doing job.

If I ask you, a customer, to put a face mask on while I’m nice. Then just say you will put it on, trust me I’ll even say thank you and leave you alone. However, if I ask you nicely and you give me an attitude, don’t think I won’t give you one back. If you threaten to walk out because I ask you to put a face mask on, I won’t even waste my energy to stop you. If you make a smart and loud remark to me saying that you should have went somewhere else, I will tell you to go another store even if that store is our competitor. I will treat you like how you are treating me.

I’m working during the pandemic. I’m not even considered an essential worker. I don’t get but a two dollar extra pay, yet every day I have to deal with rude customers. Everyday I wear a face mask for seven to eight hours, sometimes ten. So, I can protect customers and my coworkers. Yet, some customers don’t want to wear a face mask to protect me, my coworkers, and other customers. There are times when I step into the back to take my face mask off for thirty seconds just because I feel suffocated or I start getting heat rash on my face. Nonetheless, I put it back on and continue doing my job.

There have been customers who claim that we are discriminating against them, just because they have a medical condition. So, what about your fellow customer over there with a face mask on and is also carrying a ventilator? What about that man over there claiming he has asthma, but he choose to wear one to protect strangers and people he love? There are customers who come in and tell us it’s hard for them to breath because of their medical condition, but they wear one because they choose too. Moreover, I’m sorry that you have a medical condition and I apologize if you feel that way, but I’m just doing my job of what corporate asked us to do.

Additionally, if you, a customer, think that retail workers really like asking you to cover your nose and mouth. Then you’re wrong. Just as much as you, the customer, hate being asked to put a face mask on. We, retail workers, hate asking you to wear one because we deal with it and we get nasty attitudes on a daily basis. As soon as we see you walking towards our doors with no face masks, or you don’t bother to stop and put one one. We’re having an eye rolling competition with our coworkers, preparing ourself to ask, yet again, another customer to wear a face mask. Everyday we deal with same cycle, yet, we to bite our tongue and continue servicing customers like nothing happened.

If you, the customer, refuse to wear a face mask and refuse to leave because you believe it takes away your civil rights. Then I have two things to say. I, as a retail worker, have the right to not service you. Also, you’re trespassing so I will call the authorities to come escort you out.

I don’t know about other retail workers, but I know that my coworkers and friends, who work in retails, are exhausted. We are mentally and emotionally exhausted. There have been countless days when I just want to turn in my keys, but I can’t. I live with my family, I’m the second oldest child so I have responsibilities. Plus, I’m in graduate school. I got bills and tuition to pay.

Some nights I silently cry myself to sleep because I should not have to go through the same cycle day after day. I, along with all the other retail workers nationwide, should not have to consistently ask customers to wear a face mask. It is not like COVID happen yesterday, it’s been happening for the past six to seven months. And you’re telling me, probably a dozen more retail workers, that you don’t have a face mask?! Where were you when everyone was busy buying materials to make face mask nationwide wiping out elastics? Where were you when other people were rushing to put in orders from small business owners to get their face masks?

As much as I have received so many bad remarks, rude and nasty attitudes from customers. I also like to thank the small handful of customers who stand up for me and my coworkers. As well customers who always tell me and my coworkers that they appreciate us working during these hard times.

Finally, even if this whole COVID-19 pandemic turns out to be conspiracy in court. At the end of the day, it will make me happy that you wear a face mask not because you were asked to, but you choose too because you care.

Cinnamon Rolls

I love cooking and it has been a while since I shared a recipe. So, today I’m going to share how I make cinnamon rolls at home. These cinnamon rolls are easy and simple to make. Also, my family loves eating them so much that I have to double the recipe. You can use a stand mixer, electrical whisk, or go the traditional way to get a 30 second arm work out.

Time includes prepping and cooking: 1 hour and 45 minutes
Serving: 12-18 rolls

For the dough you will need:

  • 4 1/2 cups of flour
  • 2 1/2 teaspoon of yeast
  • 1 cup milk warm up
  • 3/4 cup melted butter
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon salt

For the filling:

  • 1/2 cup butter–not completely melted
  • 1 cup packed of brown sugar
  • 2-3 tablespoon of cinnamon

For the icing:

  • 3/4 cups powder sugar
  • 1/2 cup milk ( I use 2% milk, but feel free to use any kind of milk you want)


  • Heat the milk for 30 seconds. It should be lukewarm to the touch.
  • Pour the yeast into the milk. Don’t stir just let the yeast sit on the milk.
  • Melt the butter for 30 seconds-1 minute.
  • In a bowl mix the flour, salt, and sugar.
  • Add the milk, butter, and eggs.
  • Mix thoroughly.
  • For this step you can use the same bowl or a separate bowl. Anyway you want to spray cooking oil into the bowl and then put the dough into this bowl.
  • Cover it and let it rise. Usually it takes 30 minutes, but depending on your house temperature it may take longer for the dough to rise.
  • While your dough is rising go ahead and mix the filling. Start with 2 tablespoon of cinnamon and if you want more cinnamon, gradually add in the cinnamon.
  • After 30 minutes, take the dough and roll it out. Make sure sprinkle a little bit of flour onto your work area and rolling pin. I like to divide my dough into two equal portions before I roll it into a rectangle sheet approximately 1/4″ thickness.
  • Spread the filling with a spatula and roll it long ways. Cut into equal pieces.
  • In a baking pan spray cooking oil and place all the pieces in the pan.
  • Let it rest 20-25 minutes, the rolls will rise again.
  • Bake at 375 degrees for 20-25 minutes.
  • While the rolls are baking, mix the icing. Gradually add the milk so you can get the consistency you want. If you want thick icing add less milk, you want thin and runny icing add more milk.
  • Insert a toothpick in the rolls to make sure they are fully cook and then take them out.
  • At this point I like to drizzle and drench my rolls with the icing or you can wait until the rolls cool down to drizzle the icing.

Well that’s it for my cinnamon roll recipe. It looks like it is a lot of work, but I can assure you that it is not a lot of work and very simple to do. If you do decide to make the recipe, I hope you enjoy it!

Hello everyone!

It has been a while since I last share a creative story. So, head onto my other website, Rose and Pen to check out the short story.

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For a Whole Year I Couldn’t Wear a Bralette Underneath My Shirt, Here is to Why

Today while I was getting ready work, I look at my bras and then my chest. Honestly, I was looking at armpits. My right armpit was especially pain from the compression of my bra. I rummage through to see if I have any available wireless bras. No, I was out of luck. However, I did have a bralette.

I especially love bralettes despite not having support. The last time I wore a bralette, one of my favorites one too, I got a bit offended. I was out with my friends, before left home I asked my sister to make sure my chest looks fine. By that I meant the following:

Is my shirt too thin?

Can you see my bralette?

Does it looks like I have multiple nipples?

If you are wanting a good laugh, here’s the downside to my bralette. It has these cute appliqués on it, but once it’s put on the appliqués don’t lie flat. So depending on what shirt I choose to wear, sometimes it may appears that I have multiple nipples.

Anyway, my sister gave me the ok and I was on my way. The day went by incredibly well. My friends and I were having fun, then we decided it was time for dinner before we head home. After dinner, since we had time to spared we were just walking in downtown Asheville. I didn’t notice it at first, but I was standing under a lamp post, so, one of my friend told me to stay still so he can a get a picture. It was a great picture and one by one each of us started line up under the lamp post.

Just as we were about to walk away, these two guys approached us or rather me. I have always been the one to ignored strangers, but one of my friends, began to talk to them. Before I knew it, one of them turned to me and said:

“Girl, I love those natural tits on you I can just take you home with us and have some fun. I like my girls with no bras on anyway.”

My guy friends, who are so overprotective on a whole other level, we’re just ready to pounce. Anyway we got them to leave us alone, but not before the other said:

“Why all of y’all so upset? We just want to compliment her.”

We call it a day, went home, and I never wore a bralette out to public ever again. On the way home, I was so upset that I asked my friends if my shirt was too thin. They all say no and I was wearing pink cotton t-shirt. I was feeling and doing great all day, until those two men showed up. My shirt wasn’t fitted, instead it was a boxy oversized crop top. I choose color that I knew wouldn’t be too light. I was feeling confident, but that was all gone within a few seconds.

I didn’t wear a bralette because I wanted to show off my d-cup breasts. I wore it because I wanted to be comfortable and at that time I didn’t have any wireless bras. Bras are so expensive and moreover,I can barely find my size, 40D at Walmart, Target, or Kohl’s. Sometimes I even have a hard time finding my size at higher end places like Torrid and Lane Bryant. So, I choose what I can afford, and I wanted to try wearing bralettes because they were on the rise.

I’m over it. Here is me with my bralette on that I’m going to wear to work so that I can be comfortable. Wearing bras all time can be suffocating.

I learned that I loved wearing bralettes because they are so comfortable and cute. But really, did those guys really have to stare so hard to make out to see if I was wearing a bra or not? Why does it matter if I was wearing a bra or not? Is it crime?

After a year of not wearing bralettes when I go out, even if it’s just to put gas in my car or go get bananas at Walmart. I put it on today to go to work. I told myself people can stare all they want because right now I can care less. My decision to not wear a bra is not a crime and most definitely not a shout out that I want a hook up. It’s my decision to be comfortable for the long day ahead. And on a side note, gentlemen if you think telling a random girl how nice her natural boobies are and wanting to take her home is a compliment, think again. Not all girls want to hear that especially from strangers.

Working During the COVID-19

Yes, I’m one of the very few that is still working during the virus pandemic. As of right now, I’m enjoying my very last day of time off by the time you are reading this, I’m probably at work by the morning. During the days off, I’ve been doing lots of thinking and gathering all my mentality before I go back to chaos.

A lot of my friends have been laid off, some were able to apply for unemployment while others are not that lucky. Even with the stimulus payment, it’s not enough for them to survive through these next few months.  A few of them even told me that I must be so lucky to still be working. Eh, I say it’s half and half. Sure, I’m glad that I’m still working. I’m still getting money. What else can be worse? Everything.

I work at Joann Fabrics and Crafts. I’m not sure if anyone would consider the store to be essential as we don’t carry any household items such as cleaning supplies. The least that the stores do carry are handsoaps. Additionally, we do carry supplies for small businesses. I’m also sure that most of you have probably heard about store employees upset over at how the CEO refused to shut down all the stores. Although, some stores have been shut down by their local authorities. The store I work at and all the other Joann stores in the same region remains open. Needless to say, things have been hectic.  I’m not even going to go into details, because it will turn into a mini-series drama.

The reason why I dread so much going to work now is mainly because of customers and how corporate is treating retail employees. Like any other store, Joann is also starting to limit their customers. So of course, there is a line and you have to wait until it’s your turn to come in. A lot of the customers don’t understand that there are people waiting outside to shop. So, they like to take their little time looking around. I once approached a customer to informed her that there were other customers waiting and she had been in the store for over an hour. She was upset, so she stormed out. She left nothing for us to put back too because we didn’t have what she originally came for. She didn’t grab a shopping cart or shopping bag.  Moreover, I have overheard her talking on the phone that she was going to browse some more waiting for her friend to come.

We even had customers waiting in line who comes in and then gets upset when I ran out of what they wanted to buy. I want to make something clear. Joann doesn’t carry essential supplies, we carry crafting supplies. Corporate did not send out an email telling stores to limit how much customers can buy. I had even told a few of my friends, that if the products in the stores were considered essential, then Corporate would have sent a memo to limit the amount customers purchased. First, it was toilet paper, then it was elastics. What’s next? Interfacing? 100% cotton materials? Sewing machines under $100?

I really hate how customers don’t follow the six feet rule. There were a few consecutive days, that I had to make ten announcements within an hour time frame asking customers to stay six feet apart. I was getting frustrated with customers not following the social distancing rule. I was getting tired of babysitting them. Moreover, corporate wants employees to cut as many bandanas we can per day, to hand out to customers who are not wearing face masks. As soon as I saw that message, I was just telling myself Joann is a joke. I’m already worrying about my health, I don’t have the time or energy to worry about some customer’s health.  Last time I check my job description when I apply, babysitting or “adult” sitting was not listed.

There was this one day I was talking to a friend. This friend is a nurse. She was telling me about how she feels unappreciated by her patients during this hard time. I told her I most definitely understand, but that I was jealous of her. I told her that at least many sewers across the nation are coming together making these masks to give out to hospitals, nursing homes, the elderly, and whoever whatever. But not us. Not the essential workers and not the nonessential workers. I reminded her that there are many posts on social media platforms praising all the doctors and nurses for all hard work and effort. But what about the people that stock the meat at the grocery store? What about the people selling liquor because apparently that’s considered an essential business in some states?

I told her we, the retail employees, are the forgotten population. That for once, I would really appreciate it if the customers at Joann just show the slightest appreciation for us remaining open.  Everyone that is out of work is telling us that we’re lucky to be working. However, I want to tell them that yes  I’m lucky to be working, but that’s because I’m lucky that I haven’t gotten the virus yet as well. I reminded her that her patients may be annoying the crap of out her right now, but so are my customers. Sadly, we’re both in the same boat.

I really am happy that I have not yet gotten the virus, despite having so many customers coming in and informing us about how they know of someone who has the virus. Some even come to shop even though their doctor had ordered them to stay home until their results are out. Still, I’m happy that because I have not gotten the virus I’m able to work. What I don’t appreciate is a customer coming to shop even though he/she is supposed to be quarantine under doctor’s orders. Customers yelling at me or my coworkers because we ran out of something we did have in stock. No, I don’t appreciate it.

If you are told to stay quarantine because you went to get tested, don’t go out before your results are in. If your results are negative, great. However, what if your results came back positive?! Do you know how many people you may have infected? Yet, you’re busy telling everyone you come across to stay safe. It will be a whole lot safer if you would have stayed at home. Also, if you know someone who has been tested positive for the virus and had made contact with that person. Then get yourself to the nearest available testing location! Don’t go out shopping and informing people you come across. Lastly, if we ran out of what you want, don’t get upset at us. We understand that you waited in line, but you had the option to call the store asking to put on hold a specific amount for you.

Of all my years working in retails, working the COVID-19, is the worse. I feel like these customers are just eating me alive. They get upset because we don’t have what they want and all the other crafting/sewing places are closed. When they ask why we don’t carry what it is they’re looking for, they get upset, then rude and they want to call corporate to make a complaint. They tell us to stay safe, but then they turned around telling us that they know someone who got tested positive, or that they were supposed to stay home until their results were back.

If you are a customer out and about shopping around, please just be nice to the store employees. If you have been laid off I hope you get your unemployment benefits as soon as possible. I also hope that you will find a job soon because grocery stores are hiring I don’t know what else is hiring in your state. Finally, if you are an essential worker or a nonessential worker, stay strong and take a mini-vacation to refresh your mind and spirit if needed. Everyone stay safe

My 2020 Goals

It has been a month since 2020 came upon all of us and I have had enough time to draft and rethink what I want for 2020. Each year I always come up with my New Year’s Resolutions, which is mainly always the same, and I don’t follow through my resolutions. Mainly because, I come up with them, but I don’t think of ways of how reach there. This year, thanks to a Health and Stress Management class I took two years back, I reevaluated my new year resolutions for 2020. This year I made sure that all my goals are reasonable and attainable. I also came up with ways of how I can achieve my goals.

Like always, my main goal this year is to be healthier. In the past I would have stated “to lose weight,” however, this year I am making it my goal to become more active. In which I am already started, but on a current pause due to some physical health that I’m currently recovering. To be more active, I’m trying to work out at 2-3 days a week for thirty minutes. This includes running on the treadmill, following some workout videos on YouTube, and practicing some Yoga and Pilates. For anyone’s reference, I am no professional at Yoga and Pilates but have taken quite a few classes when I was university so I’m just using what I learn from those classes and following the very same moves.

Additionally, I am slowly cutting off sweets in my daily life. Which, is quite hard and frustrating. However, I did it once for a month as my chosen project in Health & Stress Management, so I’m believing in myself that I can do it again for the whole year. I’m letting go of soft drinks, sweet juices, candies, fast food, and deep-fried foods. Oh, my poor soul and it doesn’t help when you live with your family because all those following above are commonly found at the house. Since I also work night shifts and don’t eat dinner until 9:30-10pm, I am going to start packing my own dinner.

Now, I didn’t just get up one day and be like “I’m going to go run on the treadmill.” It was hard to find motivation. So, I decided to buy two sets of workout clothes and a pair of running shoes. However, I decided that was not enough motivation. As a young child up until I started high school, I used to love journaling. Hence, I went back to my roots. At Hobby Lobby, I picked a set of small journals. One to record my daily workout sessions, another to plan my meals and the last one was just a blank journal. Whether you believe it or not, buying that small set of journals actually got me working out because I at least want to finish filling out the journals.

As of right now, I don’t really have the finances I need to buy my groceries for meal planning. Fruits and vegetables these days are just so expensive, but I tried to write down what I eat every day along with the proportions. There are days when I forget to write them down, but my goal is to at least try to remember to write down what I ate for at least 3-4 days per week. But after doing some research and saving enough money, I will start meal planning. Lastly, to be healthier, I’m trying to go to sleep early instead of lying on my bed in the dark watching funny things, browsing the internet for long hours until 2am.

My second resolution is to spend less and save more. Honestly, my life has been so depressing for the past year. I’m sure many of you have read this over and over again, but it’s the truth. After my father passed away, I’ve been splurging like crazy. Spending my paycheck down to the very last few dollars. I’ve been trying so hard to get myself back together, that it’s just a complete failure. The past year I have spent endless money on makeup, clothes, shoes, books, going out with friends, and many other useless things. When I was going through my clothes for donations, I was shameful. I told myself, “You’re better than this so stop spending money on things you don’t need.” In the past, I didn’t have such horrible spending habits, it only began when I lost my father. So, this year I’m refraining myself from spending too much. Remember the other blank journal? Well, that is now my budgeting book.

Online shopping and frequent store visits on my days off have become such horrible habits that I actually brainstormed how I’m going to achieve this. Instead of spending my days off on my phone shopping online, I’m just going to read all those books I bought. I probably have like twenty books I bought and haven’t read a single one. I’m going to pick up a new hobby, which is to learn how to play the guitar. I’m not musically gifted, so by the end of this year if I can at least play a Christmas song that will be a huge accomplishment for me. I did buy a lot of useless fabrics, most of them being baby flannel, so I’m making them into baby quilts and will be selling them online. Whatever I can’t sell will be donated. Lastly, I might be more active on the blog.

After I made my resolutions, I decided if I work hard to reach my resolutions, I should reward myself, praised myself for my hard work. My rewards are nothing too fancy, but I do enjoy a good hike. Thus, I decided that when summer comes along, I’m going to hike at Max’s Patch. It is supposed to be a very beautiful place and after seeing all the pictures, I had always wanted to go. So, I’m going this year just to see if the place is as beautiful as the pictures. This was when I realized, that me buying my small journals was a good thing because now I’ll be able to track and keep up on how often I work out, how much money I saved for the month, and what I ate.

Just case you made it this far and forgotten what my resolutions are, here is a quick recap:

  • Become more active by working out at least 2-3 times a week for thirty minutes. Record my workout sessions in my journal so that I can keep up with my progress
  • Eat healthier by cutting out soft drinks, sweet juices, fast food, candies, deep-fried food, etc. I will also be recording my meals in order to observe my eating habits while I do some research and save money to start meal planning.
  • Sleep early
  • Save more and spend less money. I’m starting to budget and to resist the urge of buying random things, I’m going to spend more time reading, learn the guitar, and get rid of my useless fabric collection. This gives me more things to do and will distract me from spending money.

Well, all the best for my poor soul who is on the way to become a better version of me for 2020 and the years to come. Good luck to everyone who is working on his or her resolutions.

Why I am not happy?

Lately, I have been reevaluating my life or at least tried. I came to the realization that my life is unfulfilled. I keep wanting more and that just caused me to be unhappy. After writing down the little things that make me unhappy on a daily basis, I grouped them together. In doing so, I was able to see the main reasons why I’m unhappy.

I have always realized that there are so many things I have never tried, but I did not know that the urge to try them was so huge in me. When my father was alive, there were certain things that I stayed away from like dying my hair. It was a big no and that means trouble. That didn’t mean I dye my hair right away after he passed away. I actually waited a whole year and I picked up a box of hair dye from Walmart. On a side note, Brad Mondo would have a heart attack if only he knew. There more things I want to try, but it’s the little things that I never got to do as a kid or teenager. Additionally, I really want to get a second ear piercing, but I’m afraid which brings me to my next reasoning.

Even though my father is no longer breathing on this planet, I’m afraid to get a reputation of being a “bad daughter.” Anyone that understand the Hmong culture, would and hopefully knows where I’m coming from. My father did have a good reputation and wherever my siblings and I went, as long as we mentioned his name we were welcome with warm arms and smiles. Most days I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and it is just causing me to be anxious. I used to live a carefree life, if not all the time, then for the most part I did. Now, I’m left being jealous of some people. I feel like my hands are tied, I can’t move freely, and can’t breathe properly.

Although, this third reasoning may sound funny I don’t know why it’s on my paper, but there have been countless times I wish there was just this special someone by my side. Someone that I can talk too and rely on. Someone to just hold me and make me laugh. But at the same time, I’m so afraid to fall in love and I don’t know why. This shall be discuss another time.

Lastly, I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t know what I exactly want to do or be in my life. When my father was alive, sure I had a purpose. Making him proud was the only purpose I had, but now I’m not so sure no more. I want to say screw the biology degree I work so hard for and just be carefree. Live my own life doing what I think is best for me, but I don’t even know where to start. Additionally, I can’t let go of my biology degree. I work so hard for it, studying day and night to just earn it and I’m going to let it all go to waste just like that. I asked myself, why did I even decide to study biology in the first place? Why did I even want to go to medical school? Why I wanted to become a doctor? It all came down to because I wanted to make my father proud. So now what?

As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m still reevaluating life because this time I want to at least do it for myself and not someone else. Of course, I still want to make my family proud and there are many ways to fulfill that, I just need to figure it out for myself.

F*uck This, I’m Exhausted

Lately, my job has been getting to me. I’m the full-time keyholder and I’m getting exhausted from communicating between the store manager and other workers. Lately, a part-time key holder and a team member had brought up about their dissatisfaction with the work schedule. I can most definitely understand their points because it is a common thing that I and this keyholder talk about daily.

Today I’m coming clean, currently, I work a Joann Fabrics and Craft. As if dealing with some grumpy and stubborn customers is not enough, now there is a bit of tension between workers regarding the work schedule. Even though I’m a full-time keyholder, the store manager makes the weekly schedule. The only time I make the schedule is when the manager is on vacation. And I have to say that the schedule is pretty much set for good like nothing ever changes and we all know who we are going to work with. So, what is the big deal?

The deal is everyone is complaining. To begin with, on my first day the store manager told me to pick my two days off, except for Saturdays and Sundays. She had specifically said all management members work weekends and no one gets the weekends off. When we got a second key holder (part-time), who is the sister of the previous full-time keyholder, her days off were Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s. Then we got a third keyholder. And here is where the first problem began.

After training both keyholders, Store manager kept fussing about how Keyholder 2 kept messing up end of day reports. Honestly, I didn’t like it either and it is not like she does it intentionally. The computer would freeze up and cause a system error. The only thing she needed to do was called the store support system, but she never does. So now Keyholder 2 never close, instead she opens only works morning. And here comes the next two problems.

The store manager had told me that with these two keyholders, all managers can rotate having a weekend off. She said the exact same words to the other two keyholders as well. So far, keyholder 3 and I have not gotten a whole weekend off, instead, we keep having to put in request forms to have our weekends off. And at some point, keyholder 3’s two days off became Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. I don’t even think that the Store Manager asked her. Additionally, Store Manager automatically gave Keyholder 2 Saturday’s and Sunday’s as her two days off.

So for the longest time, it was just me and Keyholder 3 working weekend nights. Until Keyholder 4 came along, and we thought oh maybe now we can have our weekends off. Nope, that never happened, mainly because of two things. Keyholder 4 does put in a lot of time off requests and Store Manager keeps complaining about Keyholder 4 is lazy, doesn’t do her job, can’t count money, or close the store properly. Store Manager pretty much says the same thing about Keyholder 2 regarding counting the money and closing the store.

My rebuttal is that these girls barely open in the morning! At Joann’s all the registers and safe are counted the following morning. So, when you don’t open at all, only got trained once to count the money and open a whole month later. How are you going to recalled all the steps and paperwork?!

Keyholder 3 has brought up these problems to Store Manager about two weeks ago (a whole year after we have started working) and when I went into work, it was brought to my attention by Store Manager. I talk to Keyholder 3 and she told me specifically that she was trying to tell Store Manager that she doesn’t want every weekend off, but at least one weekend off like how Store Manager had promised. And I agreed.

Today after interviewing some candidates, Store Manager brought up that she actually needed morning people. If she hires the best candidates then she is going to have to cut one of the two team members’ hours. I suggested to Store Manager, that team member 1 had mentioned a few times to me that she would like some mornings, Monday’s and Wednesday’s when she doesn’t have school. Immediately Store Manager replied, “Well Member 1 can only work mornings only on two days. I need someone that can work morning every day. These girls think that I can make a set schedule for everyone, but I can’t.” Store Manager even mentioned that Keyholder 2 had told her, she doesn’t like driving in the dark so that’s why she only put Keyholder 2 from 10-2.

I gave up and I told Store Manager, in front of team member 3 (who was the previous FT Keyholder), that I don’t know anymore because we have people who can’t do their jobs properly. By that I mean a Store Manager who shows favoritism, goes against her words and then claims to not remember them, a keyholder who is available at all times who gets the same exact payment as me but doesn’t pull that much weight like me.

I feel that it’s not fair. The only full-time workers are me and the Store Manager. If hours need to be cut, then it shouldn’t be taken away from just one or two workers. All parttime members, including keyholders, should get hours cut as well. If a worker gives you her availability, then make use of that availability don’t restrict it only because it’s only one or two days out of the week.

You said you need people to work in the mornings and complain because no one can work in the mornings except for two other people. Well, woman, there are two workers who had told you their availability; you even wrote down their hours but you’re not putting it to use.  You can even switch this person and that person’s shifts around, but you choose not to because you like working with specific people.

All I can say is that maybe it is time for me to go. I love my store manager because she’s quirky and funny. However, she is quick to judge people including her own workers. She doesn’t have great listening skills and quick to jump to conclusions. If you tried to talk to her about something, she thinks you’re complaining. I cannot just deal with a Store Manager like that and today after trying to stand up for Keyholder 3 and Team member 1, I’m just exhausted. Moreover, I hate the company, its stupid policies, coupons, and some of the customers.

Catching Up with MaiMai

A lot has happened within the past two months. My family has moved into a new house, I met a guy, work is still miserable, and I’m just trying to pick and put back the little pieces together. Life is a crisis!

Yes. After two years of searching for a new house, my mom and sister finally found one that is pretty big with four acres of land. Now, I know I mentioned about my father a lot, but as I have new readers coming by every day I just want to mention that when my dad got into his accident, we stopped looking for a house. The pause on house hunting was probably around seven months and we started house hunting again after new years.

The move went quite well, we’re still not done cleaning the old house as there is still the garage and the shed. However, we are, for the most part, done cleaning the old house. It has also been quite emotional as well since we have lived at our old house for twenty-five years. It will always be a place that I hold dear in my heart as it has lots of memories with my dad,  he spent his last few breaths and passed away there. It will always be a special place for my family and me.

Transitioning onto the next topic, amongst all the crazy things going on in my life. I decided to get back on my Tinder. Of course, I had to make a new account, but all that aside I did met a guy. He lives close by and he’s actually a really nice guy. We’ve been on three dates and surprisingly we have a few common friends. However, I also discovered that right now dating is not for me because my life is kind of unbalance. The guy did ask me to start officially dating him, but I did not want to put a label between our relationship. Mainly because I want more time to myself to heal, pick up my life where I left it, and spend time developing myself. I did meet up and talk to him today explaining to him my thoughts and he was very understanding. So I appreciate that and the time he spent with me. This doesn’t mean that we’re not talking or seeing each other, we’re just going to let time does its thing. If we end up being friends, then I will also be happy to gain another good friend.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and I mean a lot. I’m thinking about going back to school in the spring to pick up where I left off. Meanwhile, I’m also looking into some educational programs to become certified in something, particularly the healthcare area. I have always thought about joining the Peace Corps, and finally, I’m going to put that into action. However, it’s going to be after I get my degree. I do constantly look at the programs that are being offered on Peace Corps because I just want to know what they’re currently offering. I think the Peace Corps will be a good opportunity for me to do some self-development. Additionally, years ago when I mentioned it to my dad, he liked the idea, so why not.

Those are pretty much the most major things that have been going on in my life. Right now, as I mentioned before, my life is pretty much unbalanced. At least, that is how I feel and I need more time to find and bring balance back to my life. My friends and I joked around saying I should do some research to find a temple and do a temple stay.  I know we were joking, but the idea isn’t too bad. Anyway, I hope you all have been doing well, enjoying life to the fullest, and continue to stay safe!