an overview of 2020

2020 is coming to an end.

I cannot be any more happier. Of course, COVID-19 is not leaving anytime soon; however, we all made it through. There are some people who lost their lives due to COVID-19, and my condolences goes towards those families. Hopefully, 2021 can bring some new positive energy. Today, I’m going to share how this year went by for me.

After losing my father two years ago, I finally went back to finish my graduate degree. However, due to COVID-19 I decided to not go back to my original graduate institution. Instead, I applied to another graduate school which my sister earned her undergraduate degree from and is a lot closer to home. The program is fully online so tuition is so much more cheaper. I also enrolled in a whole different program, Public Health as opposed to Biology. So, I am back to square one, but I am fine this. I am not competing with anyone, but myself so as long as I get my degree I’ll be one happy child.

Work has been dreadful and hard on me. I’m starting to see the bad side of my store manager and since I’m voicing out those unequal treatments towards her and the higher ups, relationship at work as been a bit rocky. However, I’m not concerned about it because I still work there and I don’t plan on being permanently there. Retail jobs are just a temporary place for me until I can find a real job.

My new year’s resolution, I gave up on them three months in because I was mentally and emotionally tired. I have gain some weight, but not a tremendous amount as to where I have become a whole new person. I also splurged on myself buying two Kate Spade purses, two charm bracelets, a new phone and new MacBook Air. In my defense, I needed a new phone and new laptop. Of course, I also bought an Apple Watch because it looks so cool, but when I got it I just wanted to return it since it didn’t look that cool anymore. Of course, I kept it. As for the purses and bracelets, I just wanted to buy something nice for me because I never really bought myself anything nice. Money wise, most of my pay checks went towards paying bills and putting food on the table.

I also lost two friends this year. One was battling against leukemia for a long time, due to the virus the funeral had to be small. So, only a few people were allow inside to give their final goodbyes. It was very heartbreaking since she was such a strong and young woman. My other friend, I cut all ties with her. She was becoming this very racist person, someone who didn’t respect other people who had different political views or just general ethics/beliefs. I don’t want someone like that to be my friend. I am person who respect other people’s political thoughts, their ethics and beliefs whether they are wrong or right. I only ask for the same kindness in return. If you can’t do that for me, then I rather be a stranger.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Face coverings mandates were enforced in many states. I don’t have a problem with it, some people do and there is nothing that can be done about. All I have to say is that wearing a face masks means that you are protecting another person from getting the virus. It is not meant to protect you, but another person that you come across. If you are going to say that it takes away your constitutional right, then the other party also as the right to not service you. Take it or leave it. I have been wearing face masks at work for eight hours and it has not been nice to my skin. I have developed irritant contact dermatitis. It is a pain in the ass, but I changed my skin care routine according to my dermatologist which seems to be helping, so hopefully my skin condition can calm down.

I’m going to skip the Presidential Election because I have no words to say about it. In case anyone wants to know, I did vote. That’s all that matters. However, let me just say this everyone has a chance to voice their opinion by voting. So, if you did not vote then shut up and don’t complain about the results.

That is basically how 2020 went by for me, it’s not the best but it has been keeping me busy. Like everyone else I am crossing my fingers for more positivity to come in 2021 and of course I’m looking forward to turn a year older.

my happy and single life

Yes, I am single.

Yes, I am happy and content.

Yes, sometimes I get jealous of my friends with girlfriends or boyfriends.

However, that is what life is all about. You cannot have everything, so you will just have to adapt to the situation. Here a quick sneak peak on my past love life.

The only serious relationship I have been in lasted for a year. For privacy purposes I will just call him Toby. He and I met during my second year in college through a friend. Toby was also my friend’s roommate. We got a long fine and after a few persistence moves and not leaving me alone, I finally say “Yes, Toby I’ll date you.” However, I call it done with Toby because I was too focused myself and was not ready to be in a relationship. I definitely had commitment issues. I wasn’t cheating on him, but sometimes I cancel our plans to hang out with my friends. I was a badass and savage girlfriend. We are still good friends and I even went to Toby’s wedding.

I talk to a few guys on dating apps like Tinder and Hinge. I even had Bumble, but honestly, I don’t know what to say. So, even if it is a match, I don’t make the first move. Talking to a stranger is VERY complicated for me. Moreover, I don’t stay long on dating apps, I find myself deleting my account and when I’m very bored–I mean very bored–I would just create another one with new profile pictures. I even had a few blind dates, but I don’t go on second dates.

Hence all the reasons as to why I am still single. I do enjoy my single life. All my money goes towards me or my family. I don’t have to worry about saving money for the next date or buying nice gifts. I don’t have to wait for someone to voice out what they want to eat (the exception for my family). I can do whatever I want and when I want (once again the exception is my family). However, being single has given me some advantages in life when I compared myself to other women around me.I can change my own car tires, oil, and headlights. I can cut the grass. I even know how to use a drill, probably one of the most simplest steps of becoming a full dependent woman.

Jokes aside, my single life has led me to become more dependable. Seriously though, I do know how to change my car oil and car tires. Also, this past summer I learned how to change my car headlights after watching a YouTube tutorial.

As a matter of fact when I am out enjoying the beautiful day by myself, I don’t mind taking pictures for other couples. There has been countless time when some couples asked me to take pictures for them and if I’m carrying my camera around, I used it to take pictures for them if their phone camera has low quality. I also have no shame in carrying my tripod if I want to take some pictures of myself. I don’t have someone to hang out with on my free days or someone to talk to during my break or before I go to bed, but I like spending my time alone. Plus, since I’m in school I spend. my time doing homework. If I’m not doing homework, then I watch a movie, tease my younger siblings, learn a new recipe, do some self reflection or laid in bed until I fall asleep.

I do get the question from friends and some family, “you have a boyfriend yet,” or “when are we going to hear wedding bells?” Now, I don’t get offended from these types of questions nor do I get tired of people asking me these types of questions. I would either give a simple or witty response. One time my mom’s brother in law asked me and my sisters “when will I get to drink some beer?” In my culture that means when he is going to hear some wedding bells. I responded “Uncle, if it’s some beer you want I can just go buy it for you.” We both laugh and he jokingly clarified “I don’t your beer I want my future son-in-law’s beer.” It was a good laugh for everyone.

Every now and then I do think about marriage and children. When I do think about it, that’s when I would give dating a try. I have no idea how many times I have given dating a try and just never work out. Sometimes I joke with my friends that online dating is not for me because I don’t know what to say. However, when I do go on blind dates or meet the guy in person it just doesn’t go well. If the date goes well, then I always come back to focusing on my needs and wants. It always come to the conclusion that I want to focus on myself, which is not a bad thing.

When you are single, you get the chance for self improvements including a little break from relationships to re-evaluate what you really want for a life partner. You also get time to heal from heartbreaks and enjoy doing some of things you miss doing or new things. Being single just mean self care and self love. It doesn’t mean that you’re lonely or going to be alone for the rest of your life. I have been single for the majority of my life and I’m happy about it. I have found friends that I can talk and go on trips with. I have my family, sometimes we fight and get on each others’ nerves but that’s family for everyone. I don’t feel bad for myself when my friends find a new boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, I have too much time on my hand to get upset over such trivia things. I’m single and I’m happy. If you’re also single, then you should also embrace it and be happy.

If Mails Can be send to Heaven

If there was a way to send letters to the dead, then I will probably be up late into the night writing endless letters. I won’t be writing long pages of letter, but rather short and straight to the point letters. The last few words I had to said to each person I had lost over the years. I’d asked them questions that I always wanted to ask, but never did. I’ll apologize to them for the mean and hurtful words I never meant to say. Lastly, I’ll let them how much I appreciated having them in my life.

To Sun Young, the friend that cooked me food when I was too lazy to do so,

I wish you would have listened to me and left his ass. It broke my heart when you took your life, then again at the same time I was not surprised at your action. You lived in a country with one of the highest suicide rate and one where divorce is shunned upon on. Did you finally find your grandmother in heaven? How is she doing? As much as I missed you, I also missed your spicy stir fry pork. Can you please send me the recipe to your secret sauce?

To Tyler, the kid I hated but loved because you were my friend,

It was only after a year after we graduated high school. We all made it through the first year of college, then as I scrolled through Facebook I saw the news. I even came to the memorial that our high school dedicated to you. Yes, you were right and I was wrong. You were that much of a great influence. LOL, just lying. A year later, I learned the truth that you took your own life because of girl. Why? Everyone was angry when we learned the truth. Then again, we were also angry because it was your big mouth aunt that let the secret out. Still though, why you do it? I finally gave up asking that question a year after your death, because after a few psychology classes I came to realize (or at the very least hoping) that you were showing signs of depression and anxiety. It all show through your Facebook posts. Are you still playing football up there? Most everyone from high school are married now. Did you find a beautiful wife or girlfriend? If not, it’s okay because me and a few other of our friends are still single.

To Abby, the girl who smiled too often and hide her true feelings

I always hated how optimistic you were, then again that’s probably why we became friends. I remember sitting in the hallway during a floor meeting with our RA’s and thought to myself “I need a friend like her to get rid of my negative energy.” Why didn’t you never let anyone know what you were going through? Why did you always had to smile when you were hurt, frustrated, and upset? You were like a robot, a smiling robot. I wish you would have expressed yourself more, but you kept yourself bottled up and never said a single thing. I always admired that about you. You never complained about how tired or frustrated you were, but kept smiling. Are you still smiling up there? Remember my dog, Coco? If you see her, you can keep her. She always liked you more than me.

To my old and frail maternal grandmother that became a stranger to me,

Were you sad that we never called or visited? If so, sorry for not calling more often. And trust me, if you had lived only a few minutes away instead of fifteen states away we would have visited you more often. I don’t remember what we even talked about during our last phone call. The only thing I remember was that you kept calling me different names. I was all giggles while reminding you of who you were talking to. It wasn’t until later on that I realized that you might have been suffering from Alzheimer’s. In fact, a lot of us (all your grandchildren) started suspecting that you were showing late symptoms of Alzheimers, but we didn’t knew it back then. Also, those Hmong clothes that you made for me, yeah they no longer fit. But they are store away in a safe place. I only wished we could have made more memories together.

To my grumpy paternal grandpa who passed away while calling out our names,

Every time grandma reminds us that when you were near your last breath you called out to us, but we weren’t there. It makes me frustrated because you were the one that choose to go lived in a state where you none of your own blood and flesh lived. Even after my dad and uncle begged you and grandma to come back, you guys never did. Why did you have to be so stubborn? Why didn’t you listen? That’s why you spent your last days being alone or nearly alone. I couldn’t even come your funeral because airplane tickets was so expensive, but did you know that I had to crammed five finals into two days so that my parents can come pick me up to make it for your funeral. It wasn’t hard, in fact it was all too easy for me. As you know, your granddaughter here can handle anything or almost anything. I hope you’re doing well up there. Also, you should give grandma a visit whenever you can so that she can lessen the nagging on us grandkids.

To my authoritative father, but a loving and supporting one,

Sometimes I wished you would have listened to us, more like mom. Why bother going out to help the community at your age? Especially since you were older and no longer healthy and strong. I get it that you said you are doin git for the sake of us, your children. However, we would have appreciate it if you had just stay home and do nothing strenuous. Now look at what had happened because you couldn’t stay still. Everything has changed. Do you miss us like we miss you? Is your skull back to normal? Sorry for signing the form to let them do the craniotomy, but I had too or we were going to lose you right then and right there. Can you finally speak now? Had I know that I was not going to hear your voice ever again, I would had called home more often. I’m sorry that you didn’t get a chance to go to community college like you wanted and I’m sorry that you had to be our father.

a confession from the past

“I liked you back then and I still liked you now.”

My heart skipped a beat as he gently touch my cheek, but soon enough I jerked away from him before our two other friends can come in. I knew that I am not much of drinker, but two glasses of wine shouldn’t really make me feel that way. Right or am I wrong? We knew each other from high school, but never had classes or interact with each other until our third year in Spanish honors. I couldn’t stand the sight of him teasing me all the time. Not that he made my last two years horrible and miserable, but sometimes he was just a pain in the ass. After all, we did became good friends. Moreover, it is not like we never knew about each other’s existence, we went to elementary, middle, and high school together. We were just never that close.

As our other two friends come in, I just give him a smile before getting up. Our two friends have been married for two years and finally had a baby boy. I was not planning on staying long, just long enough for a short conversation and to give the gift I had bought. Moreover, I did not even knew that he was going to show up. My phone rings as my brother called to let me know that he was on his way to pick me up. He had dropped me off before he went to go pick up our sister from work. The whole time I can feel his eyes on me as I put my jacket back on. I said my goodbyes as I get a text from my brother. He was outside waiting for me. As I walked into the kitchen and washed my cup, he followed me and refilled his cup with some juice.

“You know I won’t date my best friend’s ex or do I want to date my ex’s friend.”

He gives me a nod before walking back into the living room. I yelled out a last goodbye before leaving. It’s been years since we saw each other. Only after we had graduated, was when a friend of ours told me “he was only acting that way because he liked you, but you never notice him.” Did I liked him? Well, he was a dashing and handsome jerk, but at times when I needed someone to talk and complain to he was there for me. When I met his roommate, also his best friend from college, he was dating my best friend. The three of us went to middle and high school together. His friend and I dated for about a year, until I called it quit because at that time I was not ready to commit to a relationship. After college, he and my friend got married. Two of my friends got married and I was happy for them. A year ago, they divorced.

“Would you have dated him, you know, like if he never married Allie and you never dated Josh?”

I look at Sarah, my friend from college, with a sarcastic look. We both laugh as we continued to hike up the trail to Clingman’s Dome. I never answered her question, but she never asked again. However, I don’t know or have an answer for it.

you can’t save everyone

I look into my friend’s eyes as I opened my mouth, “you can’t save everyone,” I tell her as her tears come down relentlessly. I get up to walk away but not before telling her “you did everything you can, it’s now up to him.” We all have been there before when we tried to “save” a friend or family member. We offer help endlessly, but the opposite party doesn’t change or accept our offers. Not everyone is meant to be saved by us and we’re not meant to saved everyone that comes into our lives.

A few years ago, I tried helping the same person. Once upon a time we were friends, the three of us, then that friendship was broken between him and me. His name is Jacob. There was many things happening in his life and it was affecting our friendship. His wife ran away leaving him with their son, he lost his job, became addicted to tobacco, lost his house, and basically lost his way. Not to mention he is on bad terms with his parents, because they now have custody of his son. I remember him coming to me crying and saying that he needed to change and a new job. I gave him resources and even places I knew that were hiring. When he needed a ride to work, I would give offer him one and sometimes pick him up and drop him off at wherever he was staying. That didn’t work out though, he couldn’t stay working at one place long enough. He stayed for a few days and then quit. It was a non-stopping cycle until I finally had enough. I remember telling him that if he wasn’t going to help himself then I no longer will help him. Additionally, I told him that he still owes me $20 and that I hated how he used my money to buy cigarettes instead of buying a gift for his son’s birthday, which was his original intent of borrowing my money.

Jacob and I no longer were friends, but he and Savannah still was. Moreover, Savannah always had a one sided love with Jacob and he knew that. After graduating high school, Savannah join the US Marines. She became a great woman. We see each other time to time and I have been keeping her updated with Jacob until I decided to cut all ties with him. That was when I told her he was hopeless and helpless. Nonetheless, she still kept in touch with him and give him a little bit of money when he asked for it. Eventually she helped find him job in which he lasted for two whole years. Everything seems like it was going great, Jacob eventually gave me back the $20 he owes me through Savannah. However, she voiced her concerns because he was not cutting back on the smoking, drinking, and that some of his new friends were on drugs. She was worried about him. I told her to stop wasting her time because it seems like he is not going to stop and help himself anytime soon. A few months go by and we come to the scene at the beginning of this post. Savannah shows up in front of my house unannounced in tears. Everyone in my family has gone to work and already except for me and my two younger siblings.

I don’t need to know what happened.”

“I don’t understand. Why does it has to happen?”

“He’ll come around one day. Hopefully before it’s too late.”

“I really thought he was changing for the better. Once again this just proves how stupid I am.”

“You can’t save everyone. So stop blaming yourself. You did everything you can, so now it’s up to him.”

“Once again you were right.”

“I know I am not always right, but also I’m never wrong.”

“I hate you.”

“I know. You hungry?”

A few days ago I pulled into Walmart and saw him. He was standing in the cold holding a sign that reads “Homeless and jobless. Any spare change will be great help. God bless you.” After the short shopping trip, I grabbed $60 from my purse and put it inside an envelope that I had crunched up. I found a pen and a scrap of paper. Quickly, I scribbled a few words and put it inside the envelope. I hand it to my sister, along with the food from McDonalds, a rotisserie chicken and bag of Hawaiian rolls. Then, I told her to go give it to the man as I take the cart full of our stuff to my car.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What is it Savannah? You know I can do anything as long it’s nothing crazy and wild.”

“When you see Jacob again can you tell him that when he decides that he needs help, he can always come to me. Also, here is $60 to pay him back when he lent me money for that New York trip back in high school. He never wanted me to pay him back, so I never bother. But now, I guess he might need his $60 back.”

She Was Born a Woman

*Note: This is not my story, this is a story from a friend. All names have been altered for privacy purposes. Also, for anyone who gets offended by this story, please just move along with your life and don’t bother wasting the seconds of your life ticking away by leaving any hate comments.

It irks me that even though I along with many Hmong youths are born in the United States, our culture still has not change much at all. We live in the present, going to the future, but many of the older generations still keep to the old traditional ways. Practices that sometimes can be hurtful. Today, I share a story of a close friend that took her life years ago.

Pa was a bright young girl and who had her whole future plan ahead of her. We knew each other since we were young, then her family moved. Every other summer her family would come back down and visit, so we remain our close friendship. We spent days chatting on Facebook talking about our future. Then we graduated high school and went to college. We were plenty of states apart, but still we kept talking and inform each other about our classes. Complaining to one another about how challenging anatomy and organic chemistry was, yet at the same time learning from each other. A year went by and we survived freshmen year, then another year went by and we made it through our second year. Two more years left until we graduate! At least one of us made it through all four years.

The summer before we started our third year, Pa decided to hang out with some of her close friends. It was just three weeks away before move in day. She never made it back home. Instead, her parents got news that her friend, Tou, had took her to his home against her will. All elders on both side said that nothing can be fixed because his family has already welcomed her and she was part of their family. So, the wedding was schedule. Before her wedding date we talked on the phone and she was crying. She cried to me saying it wasn’t fair, he was to picked her up first then picked up the rest of their friends. However, he claimed he forgot his wallet so they went to his house. It was then when they both stood in front of his door, when his family opened it standing at with all the preparations.

She told me of how she resisted, but at the end he won because he was more physically powerful. She cried and cried as I listen to her story, then we both went to bed. The wedding went on and she got married. Then she got pregnant against her will and he made her quit school. A year later she got pregnant by force again, at this time I graduated and she called me congratulating me in tears. I asked her if she was happy, she said no and that her Tou was cheating on her. I comfort her to the best of my ability, but I know nothing could heal her wounds. A year later, she took her life after Tou beat her up so badly because she would not let him go out drinking with his friends. Her in-laws fail to protect her like they promised her parents and Tou fail to love and protect her like how he promised her family.

Two weeks ago, I ran into her little brother, he had moved back down with his older brother, and is currently attending university studying Women’s Gender and Political Science. I didn’t recognize him because he had grown into a nice and handsome young man, but he approached me while I was shopping at Walmart. We gave each other a hug and then I treated him to dinner. It was then that he told me, he decided to study Women’s Gender and Political Science because part of Pa’s last words to him was “my only mistake was that I was born a woman.”

a stranger’s talk

The store was so quiet, it is that time frame again where everyone is out getting dinner and about 2-3 customers shows up within an hour until we close for the night. Sometimes, if we are lucky no customers show up for the last hour and we close fifteen minutes early leaving right on the dot. As I grab the stool and sit on it while munching away on my Kit Kat bar, I began to stare into space. Four angry customers back to back over something I have no control (thanks a lot online orders) and I was dead tired. A walking zombie I was.

“Hello beautiful young lady, maybe you can help me,” the customer said giving me a startle. I didn’t even realized that someone was in the store. I quickly smile at him and put my face mask on while greeting him. He told me what he was looking for and I told him where to find it. Of course, he came to me a few times with other questions and I answer it all even while I was checking him out. My coworker was on her thirty minute meal break.

“I bet your parents are proud of you, juggling school and work at the same time. Where do you go to school?” I have forgotten that I was logged into my school portal trying to do a few class discussion when I was cutting his fabrics for him. I told him where I was attending school and what I was majoring in. I even joke about the “making my parents proud” as I failed to find a career for the past seven years. He laughed before saying “I’m sure they are proud because you never gave up and you haven’t yet or you wouldn’t be going back to school.”

As he stand with his bag in front of the store staring at the Christmas ornaments, he turned around back to me. “I was never a good father for my daughter. If she was alive she would be around your age or maybe a little older. Back in the days I became an alcoholic after losing my job and my wife left the both of us. I actually been in and out of jail and my daughter was put into a foster home. After many years, I decided to get help and then reconnected with my daughter. We spent her last few months together and she taught me how to sew. Now I love sewing.” He gave me one last smile and bid me good night before walking out into the darkness. Once again, the store was filled with emptiness.

The Reflection SHe Sees

As I was cutting fabric away, the little girl standing in front of me slowly open her mouth and said to me, “You’re really pretty miss.” I stop cutting, though my face mask was covering my face, I still smile and told you her thank you. Then I continue to cut away. After the store finally turned quiet, I swear I have heard Cheddar’s paw crawling away in the corner a few time. I got the chance to sat down and catch my breath while the little girl’s words play over in my head.

I stare at my reflection on my phone. Clearly, she must be too naive because I look anything, but pretty and beautiful. I looked like I have been beat down and need a good shower. Plus, these days I don’t wear makeup except for my eyebrows. However, there are days when I’m too lazy to do my eyebrows and this was one of those days. I basically slept in, rolled of out bed, ate leftovers, spray my hair with a sh*t ton dry shampoo before gathering it into a thin ponytail. Then I threw on my old oversized black shirt, blue jeans, and Adidas shoes before going to work. Like, I said I was far off from being pretty.

Children are so nice, or are they? I have no children, but I have friends that do. They often tell me that children speaks the truth-most of the time. However, my friends have also told me that children do not lie about who they think is pretty, ugly, or handsome. One of my friends, told me one time she was a bit upset that her daughter and son told her that Jennie of BlackPink is more pretty than she is. At the same time, she finds the situation hilarious. I also found the situation hilarious as I was being laughing away and wiping my tears.

Throughout my 27 years of life–yes I’m just that old–not a lot of people tells me that I’m beautiful and I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t yearn for compliments telling me that I’m gorgeous, sexy, or whatever. Instead, I like to hear that I’m intelligent, hardworking, reliable and courageous. I look for comments that makes me want to improve myself. Of course, there was a time–especially when I was young–I really wanted my friends to compliment me about how I look good in a certain pair of shirts or jeans. Even when I wear my hair down–that was a rare golden gem look for me– or the slightest tint of lipstick I did want to hear that I look pretty. However, at some point I didn’t care much for it anymore and I don’t know why.

That night though, I was just so tired and could only think of when all the customers would hurry up out the store. I was cutting fabric after fabric, my employee kept calling me for returns/exchanges, and the phone kept ringing. I needed a break, but I still had to be nice and polite to my customers and communicate with them. So, when she said those little words to me even if she may have not meant it, it made my day a whole lot better. For some reason after she said that, I just thought to myself “It will be a great shift tonight. Just hang in there.”

As I was sitting and relaxing, my employee came to the back and said “That little girl told me to tell you she thinks you’re pretty.” We both laugh and I joke with my employee by responding “I wonder what kind of reflection she sees in me.”

what i learn after losing a parent

We all hate losing a love one. It is painful and unbearable, as if the whole world is coming to an end. It has been two years since my father passed away. During these two years, I have lost myself because I did not know what to do with my life. It was complicated and still is. However, during these past two years I have also learned a lot about grieving, healing, and moving on. Today, I am going to share with all of you the lessons I learned after losing a parent.

  1. It takes a long time to heal.
  2. You tell your friends to appreciate their parents.
  3. The last word exchanges either hurt or becomes a beautiful memory.
  4. Parents are human.
  5. They always had your back.
  6. You will talk with the air seeking guidance and wisdom.
  7. They will become stories to your children.
  8. They won’t be there for your wedding or maybe your younger siblings’ wedding. They just won’t be there no more.
  9. You randomly miss them and you randomly cry.
  10. If you are even a human being, you will live your best life in honor of them.

I went through a compulsive shopping spree for these past two years; it was something that I have never experienced. My money kept disappearing! I couldn’t save anything and would ran out of money before my next paycheck. It was just so horrible because I piled up on so much clothes that I don’t even wear. Additionally, I bought so many purses and shoes just to momentarily make me happy. Then I needed to a new laptop to go back to school and finish my Master’s degree, but I didn’t have money to reapply or to buy a new laptop. That was when, I knew needed to get my sh*t together and pull myself through. For the last two years, I re-evaluated my life while slowly putting myself together piece by piece. The process is never easy, but it will make you become a stronger individual.

Job Hunt Burnout

Exhausted. Rejections. Feeling downgraded. It is exactly how I feel right now. For years I have been wanting to move and get out from the retail industry. I’m 27, soon to be 28, I have bills to pay and $9 per hour is just not going to provide me for the rest of my life. My paychecks barely get me through two weeks.

Each and every day I’m constantly on LinkedIn and Indeed looking at jobs scrolling down the page through the late nightfall. The requirements and qualifications for those job postings make my head hurts. Nonetheless, I still give it a shot. Some which lead me to rejections and most I never even heard back from.

When I fill out these applications and get to the surveys, I just ask myself why? Why? How are these surveys judging me before I can even meet with the employers? Why are the surveys giving me a personality score when the surveys don’t even know me and I’m just being honest?! What am I doing wrong that I cannot even get a job?!

I look at jobs located three hours away and even out of state, but with my student loans I cannot afford to move out. I’ll be dirt poor and homeless before I know it! I comfort myself by going to sleep, browse online adding stuff to all my shopping carts but never make a purchase, and then just watch funny shows to lighten my day. It’s so depressing.

Application after application and I’m burnout. I’m tired of looking. I’m tired of editing my resume and cover letter. I’m even tired of working at my current job!

I look at all my friends, most of them, who have a career and think to myself that they must be happy or less miserable than me. Some people ask me why don’t I get a new job, but they don’t even know the amount of applications I put in each week. They don’t even know how I silently cry myself to sleep each night. They have no idea how many times I have to pick myself up and start from square one. I have no idea how many times I have given up hope on myself, to only bite my tongue, accept the results and move on with life.

Job hunt burnout is real and for once I would just like to hear from someone that it’s okay and I’m doing fine.