The Girl who wore toothpicks

As a kid, I wore toothpicks in my ear piercings for almost six years. Maybe even longer. I got my ears pierced somewhere between five and six years old. I remembered seeing my older sister wearing pretty earrings and always wanted to wear them, that I always asked my parents to buy me any set of beauty toys with clip-on earrings. After I got my ears pierced, I started to develop an allergic reaction to the earrings and lost my earrings. My piercings were also beginning to close. My mom put a thread in both my piercings to prevent the holes from closing. That did not work, and so she did the toothpicks. Marking my adventure as the girl who wore toothpicks.

I had no problems with the toothpicks in my ear piercings. It was not like I worn the full length of it. My mom broke a tiny piece and put it in my ears. So, I wore short fragments of toothpicks throughout elementary school and also halfway through middle school. A lot of my peers would always ask me why I wear toothpicks instead of earrings. I was not one to talk much, nor did I always wanted to share my businesses with other students. Hence, I always told them, “My mom put them there. So I don’t know,” and just went back to do whatever I was doing. Moreover, I was never jealous of other girls wearing pretty earrings. 

Photo by Ashithosh U on

In seventh grade was when I started to wear earrings. One day my family and I were at Walmart. I followed my older sister to the jewelry section and saw jewelry pieces labeled nickel free. My sister picked one up, and she told me because the earrings were nickel-free and will probably not cause any irritations, I can most likely wear them. So, I picked one up after asking my mom if I can also choose a pair. I wore them to school the next day. Many students and my friends were surprised to me without my toothpicks. Honestly, I did not care much about their reactions, but as a month passed, I was delighted that I could wear earrings. Something I had always wanted too, but could not because of the irritations I would often get. 

As a teenager, I love earrings and collected so many pairs of earrings. Even my friends and other students loved my earrings that they asked where I bought my earrings. As time went on, I got over my earrings phase and threw away my old pairs of earrings. I no longer have to wear toothpicks, but I am not embarrassed, and I talked about it all the time. 

How to fail

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
― Winston S. Churchill

How it Began
It was a sunny and cold afternoon as the entire class began to walk in and sit down before class started. As always, we all talk about life and other courses—what was more fun to hear about what had happened in other classes? Dr. Patricia comes in; like always, we remain in our seats and doing our businesses until it was time for class to start. Everyone quiet down and begin to pay attention as soon as Dr. Patricia started to talk. Her class always seemed so long due to the horrendous and lengthy notes, but we were finishing up a documentary that day. Twenty minutes into class, we were done with the documentary. We thought that we would be able to leave early like other previous times. However, that day she said she would share a story since we were all seniors in that class and a few of us were not going to return in the spring—except to walk across the stage.

A Story No One Expected
Dr. Patricia told us about her days in college. Like us, she was young and excited. She didn’t fear the future as the present was all that mattered to her. Dr. Patricia told us about how she spent her first-year partying and hanging around a bunch of hippies. Eventually, she became a hippy herself and dropped out of college.

“I know many of you go clubbing on Thursdays and enjoy getting drunk instead of studying. Yeah, I know because I was the same. I spent my days having too much fun that I didn’t get my bachelor’s degree until I was a few years older than all of you right now.”

She spent the following year enjoying her life and freedom until she ended up with a guy and had her oldest child. Unfortunately, the man did not stick around. After her child turned two years old, she decided to go back to college and get her undergraduate degree. At that time, she had had enough time fooling around and wanted to get a promising career to support both her and her child. She told us the struggles of being a single mom and going to school with little to no help and support.

“There were times when I was up late at night studying, and I started crying. I just wanted to give up, but then it would be freezing cold in my house that I decided I needed to preserve through all it and get a better place to live.”

So, she persevered and eventually graduated with Latin Honors and was valedictorian of her class. She continued her education and, in graduate school, met her first ex-husband. They got married, and she had her second child after she earned her master’s degree. Unfortunately, she hit another bottom rock as she and her first ex-husband got a divorce, and now, he left her with two children. After a year of working, she decided to pursue her Doctor of Philosophy. That was also not easy.

“I had to carry my youngest on my back and hold my oldest’s hand while hiking up so many mountains to collect data and continue my grant research. It was so tiring and hard, but when I saw my children. I thought, ‘how much harder it must be for them hiking in the cold and heat, not being able to have a proper meal, and how exhausted they must be just wanting to take a nap.’ I had to comfort them while I had no one to comfort me, but I was fine with that. I thought to myself, as long I made it through all this trouble and got a better job, everything will pay off.”

Once again, she persevered and earned her Ph.D. She did not land a good-paying job right away, but eventually, she made her way up in her career. As for love, she managed to find the perfect man and married him. Together they had two children, but soon they had their differences and thirteen years later divorced. They remained best friends even after he re-married. For her, that is one successful relationship. Finally, she decided to spend her later years teaching, which brought her to our campus. In 2016, she decided it was time to retired.

“My entire life has been filled with lots of ups and downs. You can even say I spent most of my life failing. However, I want all of you to know that just because you fail at one thing doesn’t mean you have completely failed. Failing is part of success, and if you fail successfully, you will find a way to succeed. All of you made it this far, and I am proud of every single one of you. No matter where you all go from here, never give up.”

How I Learn To Fail Successfully
Thirteen years I spent in school, I have never heard “fail successfully.” All I ever heard from other people was that you have to pick yourself back up every time you fail. You have to learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them. However, learning from your mistakes is a given and does not require one to be a rocket scientist to know that. Nonetheless, I graduated, and before pursuing my master’s degree, I have been through endless ups and downs. Even now, I’m still going through a bunch of ups and downs. Whenever I felt like I was going to hit rock’s bottom, I told myself, “please just let me fail successfully.” For some odd reason, Dr. Patricia’s words always come back to me during hard times.

Over these past few years, I learned a lot about how to fail successfully. It begins with emotions; at least it was in my case. I learned that if I leave room to accept mistakes, even the pettiest mistakes, I will feel a lot better about making the mistakes. In the past, I did not allow a single millimeter for making mistakes, which is not healthy and very harsh. I like being perfect and being an overachiever. For the longest time, that was the image that I had built, and that was how other students and colleagues saw as my most desirable traits: perfect and overachieving. It became exhausting, and soon I was losing my sanity even at the slightest mistakes.

I used to blame others for my mistakes or pushed the blame onto someone else because of embarrassment. Now, I do not care. If I made a mistake, then so be it. I come out to accept my mistakes and make sure that everyone knows it was mine and not another person’s doing. Of course, I learn from it and analyze the “what.” What could I have done to make the situation better? What were better options that I had but could not possibly think of to ensure that the same or similar mistakes do not happen again? What went wrong, and how it went wrong? Most importantly, when I admit that I screwed up, I never followed up with “but” or “however.” Following up a “but” or “however” is just lame excuses to justify my actions. That is not acceptable. The more you try to sugarcoat or rationalize it, you will be less likely to learn from it and most likely repeat it.

“Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.” ― Oprah Winfrey.

Everything Is Going to Be Alright
At some point, I started telling my friends, “everything will be alright. Just trust me.” I am actually screaming inside my head, “do not trust me. I do not know what is going to happen next. I am just saying this to make you feel better.” However, my friends always reply, “yeah, you’re right.” It could just be that they know I am trolling them, and they are just going with the flow. But a little positivity does not hurt, and sometimes it helps to bring better results when you felt like you have failed.

There used to be this kid in high school, and he was perfect in every single way. I remember how one of my friends, Becca, once said that he was just so perfect. Yes, she was right. He was just so perfect. So perfect that now I think about it, he is unrelatable. I never once heard him talking about any mistakes he made, nor have I heard other students talk about mistakes he made even during our undergraduate years. I used to think, what would he ever do if he ever made a mistake. Lucky for me, we ran into each other one day, and he solved my curiosity.

Surprisingly he recognized me and asked for my spare time. Of course, I had nothing better to do, so I grabbed Starbucks with him and learned that he was visiting his family for a few days. So, there it began. We catch up with one another, and he starts to update me about his life as if I had always been someone so important to him. Before I knew it, he tells me that I amazed him by still being me—carefree and untouchable. My response to him—I stopped caring about living up to people’s expectations because it was unrealistic. I just let my imperfections flow out because shit happens all the time, and I learned from them. I open up about my mistakes and failures to people I trust and can give me constructive feedback. I am no longer afraid of criticisms and failures.

However, it would be best if you never failed on purpose because while some mistakes are teachable. Some mistakes are impossible to rectify. Therefore, as awful as the mistakes can be, you will have to live with them. So, in situations where you know that you can prevent failure, you need to prevent it from happening. We are humans. We make mistakes. We learn from it. We are full of imperfections. Shit happens, but mistakes and failures can and will lead to success. Everything will turn out alright.

Merry Christmas!!!

There’s a few hours left until Christmas 2020 is over, at least where I live, I have a few hours left, so I just wanted to share a message with all my readers. However, before I do that I want to thank everyone for all the views, likes, comments and follows. It has been quite a long while since I started blogging again, but I’m still thankful for all the positive and supportive comments! Anyway here is my message:

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on

Even if you didn’t get all the gifts you wanted, I hoped that you had a day filled with love and laughter. Although we may not have shared the holidays with all the people we wanted, I hoped that you and all of your loved ones remain safe and healthy towards the end of 2020 and for the rest of 2021. 2020 has been a rough year for everyone. I don’t know how 2021 will turn out, but I do know that everyone only wants good results and I do too. No matter what happens in 2021 don’t forget:

  • A phone/video call is better than saying you never got to hang out/see/talk with anyone
  • Always show your support and kindness to all workers, that includes retail workers, doctors, nurses, teachers, pharmacists, and even your house cleaning maids
  • Show your support for local and small businesses
  • Wash your hands (like how we were taught ever since kindergarten)
  • No hoarding all the cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and hand sanitizers
  • Treat everyone with respect and kindness–just like how you would want to be treated
  • Finally, share a smile!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! No matter what happens in 2021, WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER! I’ll be back in 2021 with more and new content. Stay safe and healthy!

If Mails Can be send to Heaven

If there was a way to send letters to the dead, then I will probably be up late into the night writing endless letters. I won’t be writing long pages of letter, but rather short and straight to the point letters. The last few words I had to said to each person I had lost over the years. I’d asked them questions that I always wanted to ask, but never did. I’ll apologize to them for the mean and hurtful words I never meant to say. Lastly, I’ll let them how much I appreciated having them in my life.

To Sun Young, the friend that cooked me food when I was too lazy to do so,

I wish you would have listened to me and left his ass. It broke my heart when you took your life, then again at the same time I was not surprised at your action. You lived in a country with one of the highest suicide rate and one where divorce is shunned upon on. Did you finally find your grandmother in heaven? How is she doing? As much as I missed you, I also missed your spicy stir fry pork. Can you please send me the recipe to your secret sauce?

To Tyler, the kid I hated but loved because you were my friend,

It was only after a year after we graduated high school. We all made it through the first year of college, then as I scrolled through Facebook I saw the news. I even came to the memorial that our high school dedicated to you. Yes, you were right and I was wrong. You were that much of a great influence. LOL, just lying. A year later, I learned the truth that you took your own life because of girl. Why? Everyone was angry when we learned the truth. Then again, we were also angry because it was your big mouth aunt that let the secret out. Still though, why you do it? I finally gave up asking that question a year after your death, because after a few psychology classes I came to realize (or at the very least hoping) that you were showing signs of depression and anxiety. It all show through your Facebook posts. Are you still playing football up there? Most everyone from high school are married now. Did you find a beautiful wife or girlfriend? If not, it’s okay because me and a few other of our friends are still single.

To Abby, the girl who smiled too often and hide her true feelings

I always hated how optimistic you were, then again that’s probably why we became friends. I remember sitting in the hallway during a floor meeting with our RA’s and thought to myself “I need a friend like her to get rid of my negative energy.” Why didn’t you never let anyone know what you were going through? Why did you always had to smile when you were hurt, frustrated, and upset? You were like a robot, a smiling robot. I wish you would have expressed yourself more, but you kept yourself bottled up and never said a single thing. I always admired that about you. You never complained about how tired or frustrated you were, but kept smiling. Are you still smiling up there? Remember my dog, Coco? If you see her, you can keep her. She always liked you more than me.

To my old and frail maternal grandmother that became a stranger to me,

Were you sad that we never called or visited? If so, sorry for not calling more often. And trust me, if you had lived only a few minutes away instead of fifteen states away we would have visited you more often. I don’t remember what we even talked about during our last phone call. The only thing I remember was that you kept calling me different names. I was all giggles while reminding you of who you were talking to. It wasn’t until later on that I realized that you might have been suffering from Alzheimer’s. In fact, a lot of us (all your grandchildren) started suspecting that you were showing late symptoms of Alzheimers, but we didn’t knew it back then. Also, those Hmong clothes that you made for me, yeah they no longer fit. But they are store away in a safe place. I only wished we could have made more memories together.

To my grumpy paternal grandpa who passed away while calling out our names,

Every time grandma reminds us that when you were near your last breath you called out to us, but we weren’t there. It makes me frustrated because you were the one that choose to go lived in a state where you none of your own blood and flesh lived. Even after my dad and uncle begged you and grandma to come back, you guys never did. Why did you have to be so stubborn? Why didn’t you listen? That’s why you spent your last days being alone or nearly alone. I couldn’t even come your funeral because airplane tickets was so expensive, but did you know that I had to crammed five finals into two days so that my parents can come pick me up to make it for your funeral. It wasn’t hard, in fact it was all too easy for me. As you know, your granddaughter here can handle anything or almost anything. I hope you’re doing well up there. Also, you should give grandma a visit whenever you can so that she can lessen the nagging on us grandkids.

To my authoritative father, but a loving and supporting one,

Sometimes I wished you would have listened to us, more like mom. Why bother going out to help the community at your age? Especially since you were older and no longer healthy and strong. I get it that you said you are doin git for the sake of us, your children. However, we would have appreciate it if you had just stay home and do nothing strenuous. Now look at what had happened because you couldn’t stay still. Everything has changed. Do you miss us like we miss you? Is your skull back to normal? Sorry for signing the form to let them do the craniotomy, but I had too or we were going to lose you right then and right there. Can you finally speak now? Had I know that I was not going to hear your voice ever again, I would had called home more often. I’m sorry that you didn’t get a chance to go to community college like you wanted and I’m sorry that you had to be our father.

you can’t save everyone

I look into my friend’s eyes as I opened my mouth, “you can’t save everyone,” I tell her as her tears come down relentlessly. I get up to walk away but not before telling her “you did everything you can, it’s now up to him.” We all have been there before when we tried to “save” a friend or family member. We offer help endlessly, but the opposite party doesn’t change or accept our offers. Not everyone is meant to be saved by us and we’re not meant to saved everyone that comes into our lives.

A few years ago, I tried helping the same person. Once upon a time we were friends, the three of us, then that friendship was broken between him and me. His name is Jacob. There was many things happening in his life and it was affecting our friendship. His wife ran away leaving him with their son, he lost his job, became addicted to tobacco, lost his house, and basically lost his way. Not to mention he is on bad terms with his parents, because they now have custody of his son. I remember him coming to me crying and saying that he needed to change and a new job. I gave him resources and even places I knew that were hiring. When he needed a ride to work, I would give offer him one and sometimes pick him up and drop him off at wherever he was staying. That didn’t work out though, he couldn’t stay working at one place long enough. He stayed for a few days and then quit. It was a non-stopping cycle until I finally had enough. I remember telling him that if he wasn’t going to help himself then I no longer will help him. Additionally, I told him that he still owes me $20 and that I hated how he used my money to buy cigarettes instead of buying a gift for his son’s birthday, which was his original intent of borrowing my money.

Jacob and I no longer were friends, but he and Savannah still was. Moreover, Savannah always had a one sided love with Jacob and he knew that. After graduating high school, Savannah join the US Marines. She became a great woman. We see each other time to time and I have been keeping her updated with Jacob until I decided to cut all ties with him. That was when I told her he was hopeless and helpless. Nonetheless, she still kept in touch with him and give him a little bit of money when he asked for it. Eventually she helped find him job in which he lasted for two whole years. Everything seems like it was going great, Jacob eventually gave me back the $20 he owes me through Savannah. However, she voiced her concerns because he was not cutting back on the smoking, drinking, and that some of his new friends were on drugs. She was worried about him. I told her to stop wasting her time because it seems like he is not going to stop and help himself anytime soon. A few months go by and we come to the scene at the beginning of this post. Savannah shows up in front of my house unannounced in tears. Everyone in my family has gone to work and already except for me and my two younger siblings.

I don’t need to know what happened.”

“I don’t understand. Why does it has to happen?”

“He’ll come around one day. Hopefully before it’s too late.”

“I really thought he was changing for the better. Once again this just proves how stupid I am.”

“You can’t save everyone. So stop blaming yourself. You did everything you can, so now it’s up to him.”

“Once again you were right.”

“I know I am not always right, but also I’m never wrong.”

“I hate you.”

“I know. You hungry?”

A few days ago I pulled into Walmart and saw him. He was standing in the cold holding a sign that reads “Homeless and jobless. Any spare change will be great help. God bless you.” After the short shopping trip, I grabbed $60 from my purse and put it inside an envelope that I had crunched up. I found a pen and a scrap of paper. Quickly, I scribbled a few words and put it inside the envelope. I hand it to my sister, along with the food from McDonalds, a rotisserie chicken and bag of Hawaiian rolls. Then, I told her to go give it to the man as I take the cart full of our stuff to my car.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What is it Savannah? You know I can do anything as long it’s nothing crazy and wild.”

“When you see Jacob again can you tell him that when he decides that he needs help, he can always come to me. Also, here is $60 to pay him back when he lent me money for that New York trip back in high school. He never wanted me to pay him back, so I never bother. But now, I guess he might need his $60 back.”

She Was Born a Woman

*Note: This is not my story, this is a story from a friend. All names have been altered for privacy purposes. Also, for anyone who gets offended by this story, please just move along with your life and don’t bother wasting the seconds of your life ticking away by leaving any hate comments.

It irks me that even though I along with many Hmong youths are born in the United States, our culture still has not change much at all. We live in the present, going to the future, but many of the older generations still keep to the old traditional ways. Practices that sometimes can be hurtful. Today, I share a story of a close friend that took her life years ago.

Pa was a bright young girl and who had her whole future plan ahead of her. We knew each other since we were young, then her family moved. Every other summer her family would come back down and visit, so we remain our close friendship. We spent days chatting on Facebook talking about our future. Then we graduated high school and went to college. We were plenty of states apart, but still we kept talking and inform each other about our classes. Complaining to one another about how challenging anatomy and organic chemistry was, yet at the same time learning from each other. A year went by and we survived freshmen year, then another year went by and we made it through our second year. Two more years left until we graduate! At least one of us made it through all four years.

The summer before we started our third year, Pa decided to hang out with some of her close friends. It was just three weeks away before move in day. She never made it back home. Instead, her parents got news that her friend, Tou, had took her to his home against her will. All elders on both side said that nothing can be fixed because his family has already welcomed her and she was part of their family. So, the wedding was schedule. Before her wedding date we talked on the phone and she was crying. She cried to me saying it wasn’t fair, he was to picked her up first then picked up the rest of their friends. However, he claimed he forgot his wallet so they went to his house. It was then when they both stood in front of his door, when his family opened it standing at with all the preparations.

She told me of how she resisted, but at the end he won because he was more physically powerful. She cried and cried as I listen to her story, then we both went to bed. The wedding went on and she got married. Then she got pregnant against her will and he made her quit school. A year later she got pregnant by force again, at this time I graduated and she called me congratulating me in tears. I asked her if she was happy, she said no and that her Tou was cheating on her. I comfort her to the best of my ability, but I know nothing could heal her wounds. A year later, she took her life after Tou beat her up so badly because she would not let him go out drinking with his friends. Her in-laws fail to protect her like they promised her parents and Tou fail to love and protect her like how he promised her family.

Two weeks ago, I ran into her little brother, he had moved back down with his older brother, and is currently attending university studying Women’s Gender and Political Science. I didn’t recognize him because he had grown into a nice and handsome young man, but he approached me while I was shopping at Walmart. We gave each other a hug and then I treated him to dinner. It was then that he told me, he decided to study Women’s Gender and Political Science because part of Pa’s last words to him was “my only mistake was that I was born a woman.”

Catching Up with MaiMai

A lot has happened within the past two months. My family has moved into a new house, I met a guy, work is still miserable, and I’m just trying to pick and put back the little pieces together. Life is a crisis!

Yes. After two years of searching for a new house, my mom and sister finally found one that is pretty big with four acres of land. Now, I know I mentioned about my father a lot, but as I have new readers coming by every day I just want to mention that when my dad got into his accident, we stopped looking for a house. The pause on house hunting was probably around seven months and we started house hunting again after new years.

The move went quite well, we’re still not done cleaning the old house as there is still the garage and the shed. However, we are, for the most part, done cleaning the old house. It has also been quite emotional as well since we have lived at our old house for twenty-five years. It will always be a place that I hold dear in my heart as it has lots of memories with my dad,  he spent his last few breaths and passed away there. It will always be a special place for my family and me.

Transitioning onto the next topic, amongst all the crazy things going on in my life. I decided to get back on my Tinder. Of course, I had to make a new account, but all that aside I did met a guy. He lives close by and he’s actually a really nice guy. We’ve been on three dates and surprisingly we have a few common friends. However, I also discovered that right now dating is not for me because my life is kind of unbalance. The guy did ask me to start officially dating him, but I did not want to put a label between our relationship. Mainly because I want more time to myself to heal, pick up my life where I left it, and spend time developing myself. I did meet up and talk to him today explaining to him my thoughts and he was very understanding. So I appreciate that and the time he spent with me. This doesn’t mean that we’re not talking or seeing each other, we’re just going to let time does its thing. If we end up being friends, then I will also be happy to gain another good friend.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and I mean a lot. I’m thinking about going back to school in the spring to pick up where I left off. Meanwhile, I’m also looking into some educational programs to become certified in something, particularly the healthcare area. I have always thought about joining the Peace Corps, and finally, I’m going to put that into action. However, it’s going to be after I get my degree. I do constantly look at the programs that are being offered on Peace Corps because I just want to know what they’re currently offering. I think the Peace Corps will be a good opportunity for me to do some self-development. Additionally, years ago when I mentioned it to my dad, he liked the idea, so why not.

Those are pretty much the most major things that have been going on in my life. Right now, as I mentioned before, my life is pretty much unbalanced. At least, that is how I feel and I need more time to find and bring balance back to my life. My friends and I joked around saying I should do some research to find a temple and do a temple stay.  I know we were joking, but the idea isn’t too bad. Anyway, I hope you all have been doing well, enjoying life to the fullest, and continue to stay safe!


Blind Date Gone Horribly Wrong

I did it. I finally went on a blind date by myself. A few days ago a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I was reluctant and didn’t want to go. Why should I spend one out of my two days off meet with stranger? Really, I got no plans but what is a better day than a lazy day? Somehow, after much convincing and nagging I told her “Fine I’ll go. Text me when and where.” And so she did.

She had claimed the guy to be a gentleman, well educated, and athletic. I’m definitely not that athletic, but I didn’t care. And so came the day of the blind date. We met at a local restaurant that I had to Google map because I never been there and I don’t eat out a lot.

He was all the three things that my friend had mentioned above. We had a conversation while waiting for our food. I’m not much of a talker, but he was really good at asking me questions and making sure the conversation kept going. Then it all went down the drain. Three of his friends show up by coincident and the greeter seated them right beside of us. After he quickly introduce me to his friends and vicer versa, I pretty much just listen to them talk.

Then I heard one of his friends telling him “dude she’s totally not your type. I thought it was going be someone a little different for your blind date.” I saw that he simply have them a smile before saying he really has no preference and a date is a date. He also mentioned that he was enjoying my company.

Their conversation continue and then the same friend look at me one more time, before telling him “bro she’s nice and all, but you can do better.” Hearing that, I glare at him lost at words. The waiter finally showed up with our food. Immediately, I apologized to the waiter, ask him to take my food back to box it for me, and to bring me my check at the register. The waiter looked at me confused, but kindly did what I asked. I look at my date with a sarcastic smile and told him it was nice to meet him.

That night he texted me, apologizing for his friend’s actions. He even said he wanted to meet up again, but this time I can choose when and where. I replied that I was good and did not want to go on a second date. A few days later he texted me again, and I just deleted his message.

My friend heard what happened and talked to me about it. As it turns out, he talked to her and wanted her to talk to me. I told her I wasn’t interested anymore and to tell him there are better girls out there for him. As for me I’ll find someone better.

My Friend Stole My Identity for Dating Apps

I wish I can say I am one of those few millenials that don’t use a dating app, but I have a Tinder account. And it’s just there on my phone just so I can do some major left swiping when in bored. A few days ago, I was with my friend, whom I’m going identity her as Cat. While I was with her, I learned that she stole some of my photos off of Facebook and Instagram to create online dating profiles.

Cat and I have been friends for seven years, we mwere both shy and socially awkward people. That’s how we became friends and I also became friends with some of Cat’s close cousins. We met up yesterday at her place to cook and watch a movie. While she left to go use the bathroom, her phone got a notification and I saw the screen. It said something along the lines of “Hey Mai check out your Bumble que” and “check out these new bagels.” Seeing my name, well part of my name, on her phone got me curious.

So, I unlock her phone and decided to check it out. And yes I know her security code, because she often makes me check her text or send text messages on her behalf if she’s driving. Much to my surprise I saw that she was imposing as me!

When she came out I confronted her. I asked her why, her response “I wasn’t confident in my looks and personality. I tried using my pictures and putting my information in but I wasn’t getting matched with anyone.” I was beyond furious to hear her excuse as to why she decided to impose as me.

Then she told me about how she had tried to talk to some guys, but no one responded. And of course, one of the guys decided to unmatch her! I was so upset that I just deactivated all the accounts she created using my information before giving her phone back. The sites or apps she used were: Bumble, Wooplus, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

To top it off, she never once apologized to me. I even told her “Cat you didn’t need to pretend to be me. You’re way more beautiful than me you just needed time and patience for these online dating. And why of all people would you go after me? I’m ugly, fat, and overweight. I’m not even half as attractive as you are.”

Her response to me “well, because I know you’d never use those apps.” I look at her straight in the eyes and told her I was leaving. We’re done being friends. The lunch and the movie never happened. Extremely upset and frustrated, I ordered two cheeseburgers from McDonald’s, sat in my car to eat it and bawled my eyes out.

The whole entire time while I was driving back home, I kept thinking to myself “oh my gosh what if some of these guys actually live only a few miles away?” Maybe he’s even in the next city over towards the west or east? What if I see them at work?!

Out of everything that has been said and done that day between Cat and I, there was something I regretted saying. Depreciating my body, appearance, and my character in front of her was the lowest act I ever did. Never once in my life have I ever compared myself to any of my friends. That is because I know that I have friends who are way more attractive than me. Friends who are very outgoing, cute, and bubbly. However, I know that my friends also have their own insecurities so body shaming is just a big no.

Additionally, to learned that Cat’s other friends and a few cousins actually encouraged her upsets me even more. Then to have them stand up for Cat, telling me I was too harsh and I should cool down to think things thoroughly is a big red flag.

Then I had this sudden thought, what if one day I do want to try online dating. What now? What Then? I’m just hoping and crossing my fingers that these people don’t even bother to look closely while swiping left and right.

I still feel very frustrated about this whole situation because there is just a lot going on in my life and family right now. I need friends to support me, not be against me. Clearly, people like this are not worthy to be call my friends and be part of my life or in anybody else’s life.



What is it?

Have you ever been in love?

Seen love?

Touch love?

Feel love?

Lost love?


That one word that we all yearn to hear, feel, and touch. One word that makes us all happy, sad, jealous, and angry. It comes in all shapes and forms, sometimes it is near us but we don’t see it because we take advantage of it. Just like how we don’t see our parents’ efforts, how we don’t feel what they feel when they scold us for our wrongdoings.

There are moments when we measure love by putting it on a price scale. Why does receiving an expensive gift makes one so happy? Does it ensure you, me, us that that person will stay with us until old and gray? Of course, to receive an expensive gift is not wrong, but the desire to always expect or ask for a luxurious gift does not equal love or make love any greater.

Love is powerful, but it can bring so much pain. To hear someone, say “…but I love you,” is the most beautiful thing because it makes us feel accepted despite our flaws and mistakes, but to hear them say “I love you, but…” is the most painful. Hearing those words, we know the ending is near and then we tried to fix our mistakes and flaws. Bargaining and making compromises, but there’s no stopping. When it ends, it ends because sometimes love is not meant to stay.

To lose a loved one forever is the most painful experience. It makes you upset, mad, and frustrated because you think of all these other possibilities but fails to see one other possibility. You pray and pray, tell yourself you’ll do better if the one person you love open his/her eyes only to witness his/her last breath. Then you scold yourself for ignoring death, being foolish to think it will never happen. Upset for putting your hopes up so high just at the sight of the tiniest improvement.


It is phenomenal.

We have all been in love at least once.

Seen love.

Touch love.

Feel love.

And lost love.

Love is endless.