a confession from the past

“I liked you back then and I still liked you now.”

My heart skipped a beat as he gently touch my cheek, but soon enough I jerked away from him before our two other friends can come in. I knew that I am not much of drinker, but two glasses of wine shouldn’t really make me feel that way. Right or am I wrong? We knew each other from high school, but never had classes or interact with each other until our third year in Spanish honors. I couldn’t stand the sight of him teasing me all the time. Not that he made my last two years horrible and miserable, but sometimes he was just a pain in the ass. After all, we did became good friends. Moreover, it is not like we never knew about each other’s existence, we went to elementary, middle, and high school together. We were just never that close.

As our other two friends come in, I just give him a smile before getting up. Our two friends have been married for two years and finally had a baby boy. I was not planning on staying long, just long enough for a short conversation and to give the gift I had bought. Moreover, I did not even knew that he was going to show up. My phone rings as my brother called to let me know that he was on his way to pick me up. He had dropped me off before he went to go pick up our sister from work. The whole time I can feel his eyes on me as I put my jacket back on. I said my goodbyes as I get a text from my brother. He was outside waiting for me. As I walked into the kitchen and washed my cup, he followed me and refilled his cup with some juice.

“You know I won’t date my best friend’s ex or do I want to date my ex’s friend.”

He gives me a nod before walking back into the living room. I yelled out a last goodbye before leaving. It’s been years since we saw each other. Only after we had graduated, was when a friend of ours told me “he was only acting that way because he liked you, but you never notice him.” Did I liked him? Well, he was a dashing and handsome jerk, but at times when I needed someone to talk and complain to he was there for me. When I met his roommate, also his best friend from college, he was dating my best friend. The three of us went to middle and high school together. His friend and I dated for about a year, until I called it quit because at that time I was not ready to commit to a relationship. After college, he and my friend got married. Two of my friends got married and I was happy for them. A year ago, they divorced.

“Would you have dated him, you know, like if he never married Allie and you never dated Josh?”

I look at Sarah, my friend from college, with a sarcastic look. We both laugh as we continued to hike up the trail to Clingman’s Dome. I never answered her question, but she never asked again. However, I don’t know or have an answer for it.

My Friend Stole My Identity for Dating Apps

I wish I can say I am one of those few millenials that don’t use a dating app, but I have a Tinder account. And it’s just there on my phone just so I can do some major left swiping when in bored. A few days ago, I was with my friend, whom I’m going identity her as Cat. While I was with her, I learned that she stole some of my photos off of Facebook and Instagram to create online dating profiles.

Cat and I have been friends for seven years, we mwere both shy and socially awkward people. That’s how we became friends and I also became friends with some of Cat’s close cousins. We met up yesterday at her place to cook and watch a movie. While she left to go use the bathroom, her phone got a notification and I saw the screen. It said something along the lines of “Hey Mai check out your Bumble que” and “check out these new bagels.” Seeing my name, well part of my name, on her phone got me curious.

So, I unlock her phone and decided to check it out. And yes I know her security code, because she often makes me check her text or send text messages on her behalf if she’s driving. Much to my surprise I saw that she was imposing as me!

When she came out I confronted her. I asked her why, her response “I wasn’t confident in my looks and personality. I tried using my pictures and putting my information in but I wasn’t getting matched with anyone.” I was beyond furious to hear her excuse as to why she decided to impose as me.

Then she told me about how she had tried to talk to some guys, but no one responded. And of course, one of the guys decided to unmatch her! I was so upset that I just deactivated all the accounts she created using my information before giving her phone back. The sites or apps she used were: Bumble, Wooplus, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

To top it off, she never once apologized to me. I even told her “Cat you didn’t need to pretend to be me. You’re way more beautiful than me you just needed time and patience for these online dating. And why of all people would you go after me? I’m ugly, fat, and overweight. I’m not even half as attractive as you are.”

Her response to me “well, because I know you’d never use those apps.” I look at her straight in the eyes and told her I was leaving. We’re done being friends. The lunch and the movie never happened. Extremely upset and frustrated, I ordered two cheeseburgers from McDonald’s, sat in my car to eat it and bawled my eyes out.

The whole entire time while I was driving back home, I kept thinking to myself “oh my gosh what if some of these guys actually live only a few miles away?” Maybe he’s even in the next city over towards the west or east? What if I see them at work?!

Out of everything that has been said and done that day between Cat and I, there was something I regretted saying. Depreciating my body, appearance, and my character in front of her was the lowest act I ever did. Never once in my life have I ever compared myself to any of my friends. That is because I know that I have friends who are way more attractive than me. Friends who are very outgoing, cute, and bubbly. However, I know that my friends also have their own insecurities so body shaming is just a big no.

Additionally, to learned that Cat’s other friends and a few cousins actually encouraged her upsets me even more. Then to have them stand up for Cat, telling me I was too harsh and I should cool down to think things thoroughly is a big red flag.

Then I had this sudden thought, what if one day I do want to try online dating. What now? What Then? I’m just hoping and crossing my fingers that these people don’t even bother to look closely while swiping left and right.

I still feel very frustrated about this whole situation because there is just a lot going on in my life and family right now. I need friends to support me, not be against me. Clearly, people like this are not worthy to be call my friends and be part of my life or in anybody else’s life.

Advice from MaiMai #2

Anon4013 sent in:

I’m currently a 2nd  year in college. I have this high school friend that I’ve known since we were kids and she was attending another college. She didn’t so well so she was put on academic probation. I want to tell her that she needs to get back on track and stop hanging out with the wrong group of people. However, she has change a lot since meeting her new group of friends and even her first old group of college friends tried to help her but she cut off contact with them. I’m afraid she’s going to do the same with me and I don’t want that to happen. Should I just try to talk to her even though I know that she won’t listen? Or should I give up on her like everyone else?

MaiMai Says:

If you want to help your friend then you should tell her. Don’t be afraid that she will cut off ties with you because she probably already has and you just don’t know it yet. A loyal friend will always let her friend knows when she is going on the wrong path and tell her to get herself together. For example, there was this one year a friend and I got into a heated argument when I was telling my friend to stop going to the bars and clubs because she was failing all her classes.

The only thing you need to know is your duty of a friend and that is to either support her or not to support with all her choices. If you don’t support her then state your reasoning. She may not agree with you, but at least you try. Lastly, you may find, that like most others, giving up on her is the best choice after you try to talk to her. Let her walk her own path and let her learn from her own mistakes.

Letters not Send, #1

Dear Mao,

Once a upon a time we were friends. I remember the first day you moved and started school with us. You had no one. No one wanted to be your friends, but since I already knew you when you moved I became your friend and soon you joined our group of friends. Forever friends we were, or at least we thought. For moment, I just thought of how short our friendship lasted, barely made it through middle school. Actually, it didn’t even made it through middle school.

I thought amongst to myself that even though, other girls of our group of friends didn’t like me any longer and couldn’t accept me for who I am. I thought at least I had you. I thought you had my back like how I always had yours. I was wrong. For the longest time I hated you. I hated you because you turned your back against me when I did nothing wrong against you. I hated you because you left me without ever thinking if you hurt my feelings. I hated you because you hated me for no reasons but to just hate me like almost every other girls that hated me.

For a long time I questioned myself why and what I did wrong. But I couldn’t find no other answer other than I chose the wrong friends. I wanted to be like, I wanted to fit in but I couldn’t.

Since then I ignored you. Even when I see you I on the road or in the store I make a detour. And I know it sounds childish, but that was how much I hated you. I didn’t, no, I couldn’t stand the sight of your face. I wanted you to know, to feel the same pain I felt. And everyday I cursed that one day you will face the same day. But I know that you won’t go through the same I went through.

Years went by and I just accept the fact of everything that happened. Accepting it as my karma from past misdeeds or even living a damn horrible past life. And I don’t even believe in past lives. But, I forgive you and myself.

While you’re starting the next chapter of your life, I’m also rewriting my life. And, still I can’t face you yet because it’s awkward, but I do hope that one day we’ll just be able to sit and talk face to face. And let bygones be bygones.

And though, I can’t bring myself to tell you. I’m happy for you and your accomplishments. I’m proud of the woman you became. I only wish the best for your future endeavors.

You will never see this letter because you will never receive it. I can only hope that one day you accidentally discover my blog and find this letter. If not, it’s okay because I don’t wish for much but that you are happy.


When You Found a Best Friend…

  1. Fart in front of her
  2. Tell her that she looks like banana pudding, nice and sweet, in that ridiculous dress
  3. Let her borrow your hardly worn shoes, or switch shoes for a day or week
  4. Don’t like the same people
  5. Tease the same professors behind their backs
  6. Messaging each other on Facebook and laughing like maniacs while sitting in the same room
  7. Can never have a proper sleepover, because one is too high on sparkling and is speaking in a British accent
  8. Others will think you’re related, cousins, siblings, etc when clearly you come from different races
  9. Steal each other’s food
  10. Eat from the same plate
  11. Split the empty dishes so that you both look like fatties
  12. Let one carry all the desserts
  13. You’ll clean her room it’s messy or vice versa
  14. Actually care about the person she’s dating or interested
  15. Gives her money (i.e. buying lunch) even when you clearly know she’s never going to pay back all those money.

We Were Friends

There was a time when we were close, when we were all close. We had fun everyday, in fact that was the only reason why we, well in fact any student, would go to school. There were friends and we had friends. However, I guess maybe we were not meant to be friends for life. Just temporary friends that played a major part in our lives. Yes, you, and her, and her, and many other more played a major part in my life. And I hope I played a major part in your life as well.

Maybe we were too foolish and fill with so much pride that we let drama torn us apart. Why did we let that happened? I don’t even know, and I always hate saying that “I was always in the middle because I never knew what happened.” And in fact I get angry each time I said this, because it’s partially true. I never knew for the most part what really happened. In fact, I was the less popular girl among all of us. Only had a few friends here and there to hang out with. And you all were once part of my friends until drama has to be dragged in. There were plenty of times when I indeed felt left out, but I never cared so much about because we were friends.

Continue reading “We Were Friends”

My friend wrote an eulogy for me

Earlier this year when I discovered my death will I took pictures of it to share with you guys. Well,going along with that death will, I discovered an eulogy that my best friend in college Marlenee wrote. I can’t remember when she wrote it but it was during our junior year. Apparently I kept it in one of my biology textbooks and found it when I was cleaning out the bookshelf. So here it is. By the way I might have to send her a copy of this because I actually like how she wrote it.  Continue reading “My friend wrote an eulogy for me”

By Coincidence

Today I met an old acquaintance.  I was out shopping for some new clothes and accessories just like any ordinary 21 years old girl would. I was looking at a shirt that I’ve been wanting for some times now and it was on sale. Then I heard a familiar voice, she was this time not calling for her boyfriend, mom, dad, sisters, brothers, nor friends. She was calling for her baby boy and baby girl. Standing from a far, I didn’t know if I should approach her because usually I just pretend that I didn’t see them or just wave; however, there was something today that  made me approach her. So, I yelled out her name and waved at her. Surprisingly, she heard me and also waved back. Continue reading “By Coincidence”

Friends, Neglect, Decisions

Submitted PinkPanda

Lately, I’ve been feeling that my friends are neglecting me. I know or at least hope that it isn’t true, but that’s how I feel and I don’t know how to express it to them or even tell them. I lived with them for three years now because we all live away from home and rented an apartment together. There are ten of us total living together. And I just got a new roommate recently because my old roommate transfer. I know that one i my roommate mentioned that she didn’t like my new roommate for no particular reasons, but I just ignored it since I like my new roommate. And plus, I already told them that I’m going to get a new roommate because she was looking for a place to live. As of right now they’re all mutual and my roommate is a good person. And we’re both very quiet so it’s kind of awkward in our room sometimes.

Continue reading “Friends, Neglect, Decisions”

The Friend

submitted in by bubbly_gurl

So, I know that we all have this one friend that…may sometimes get attached to us so easily. Or maybe it’s just me. Anyway, I’ve been stuck between my own decisions and don’t know what to do. I know this friend since middle school and I feel like I can’t do this or that. I do this then I’m going to look like the bad friend but if I do that then I know I’m just not making the right choice for myself. Life is COMPLICATED. I’m not going to use my friend’s real name, so I’ll refer to him as Fred in here. In fact, I’m going to use fake names for any person that I mention, except for myself (hehehehe). Continue reading “The Friend”