I know it has been quite a long time since I’ve been active, but a lot has happened for these past three months and I just needed time to think and recollect my thoughts. Nonetheless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. For these past three months, I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life because lately, I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. I have been spending my days dreaming about how I so wish for my life to be so more different. There has been so many “what if’s” that I just keep questioning myself which in turn makes me doubt my own capabilities. Life has been hard and I’m trying my best to stay put together, but I’m still a mess. There are days when I get up and I just look at the mirror telling myself “You’re 26 years old and you have no life. No real career. You’re just one hot mess and need to get your shit together.” Yeah, I’ve been hard on myself lately.
It has been hard waking up in the morning because I just don’t want to wake up since I’m so tired. I feel tired all the time. Tired, cold, and hopeless. The things that I used to enjoy doing, I’m slowly starting to lose interest. I’ve been spending my money on useless shit like clothes I don’t really need, and expensive makeup that I don’t even have time to wear. I bought a ukulele when I shouldn’t have, but I bought it in hopes that I’ll pick up a new hobby. I have these fleece fabrics that I still need to put together to make blankets because thank goodness winter is still here. I hate going to work because I’m tired of dealing with customers. I’m tired of the drive, reckless driving, and traffic. Now, I am not lying when I say my life has sucked lately because it has been.
I work too much, and I have too much time on my hands to be dealing with stupid and rude customers. I’m tired of my mom crying and muttering about how much life has changed since my father passed away. I’m exhausted from all the thinking I have been doing. I just want to run away home. I really want someone to talk to, I want to tell my friends, but I can’t. Always, I thought I was really close to my friends, most of them, but I guess I’m not that close to them. I feel like since I’m someone that comes off as strong, independent, responsible, and someone that they can come too when they need advice or help makes it all the harder for me to approach them to listen to me. Every time I meet up with my friends, it’s hard for me to tell them how I honestly feel because I feel like they expect to hear stupid funny stories from me.
I honestly do not know where or how my life will go from here on out. All I know is that my life right now is bitter, exhausting, and miserable. Despite that, I always pray for a little bit of sunshine each day, just enough to get through.