How I’ve Been Feeling

Hello Readers,

I know it has been quite a long time since I’ve been active, but a lot has happened for these past three months and I just needed time to think and recollect my thoughts. Nonetheless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. For these past three months, I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life because lately, I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. I have been spending my days dreaming about how I so wish for my life to be so more different. There has been so many “what if’s” that I just keep questioning myself which in turn makes me doubt my own capabilities. Life has been hard and I’m trying my best to stay put together, but I’m still a mess. There are days when I get up and I just look at the mirror telling myself “You’re 26 years old and you have no life. No real career. You’re just one hot mess and need to get your shit together.” Yeah, I’ve been hard on myself lately.

It has been hard waking up in the morning because I just don’t want to wake up since I’m so tired. I feel tired all the time. Tired, cold, and hopeless. The things that I used to enjoy doing, I’m slowly starting to lose interest. I’ve been spending my money on useless shit like clothes I don’t really need, and expensive makeup that I don’t even have time to wear. I bought a ukulele when I shouldn’t have, but I bought it in hopes that I’ll pick up a new hobby. I have these fleece fabrics that I still need to put together to make blankets because thank goodness winter is still here. I hate going to work because I’m tired of dealing with customers. I’m tired of the drive, reckless driving, and traffic.  Now, I am not lying when I say my life has sucked lately because it has been.

I work too much, and I have too much time on my hands to be dealing with stupid and rude customers. I’m tired of my mom crying and muttering about how much life has changed since my father passed away. I’m exhausted from all the thinking I have been doing. I just want to run away home. I really want someone to talk to, I want to tell my friends, but I can’t. Always, I thought I was really close to my friends, most of them, but I guess I’m not that close to them. I feel like since I’m someone that comes off as strong, independent, responsible, and someone that they can come too when they need advice or help makes it all the harder for me to approach them to listen to me. Every time I meet up with my friends, it’s hard for me to tell them how I honestly feel because I feel like they expect to hear stupid funny stories from me.

I honestly do not know where or how my life will go from here on out. All I know is that my life right now is bitter, exhausting, and miserable. Despite that, I always pray for a little bit of sunshine each day, just enough to get through.

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Everything is Going to be Alright

Life is an endless loop of circle. Or better yet an endless infinity sign. Every single time I think I’m done running a marathon, I find myself not at the finish line, but another beginning line. And every single time I tell myself it’s okay to not know where I’m headed. It’s okay to be lost for a while. It’s okay because everything is going to be alright.  Eventually, I’ll end up at another beginning line soon enough.

My roommate, whom I’m not so closed with, asked me one day how I do it. “Do what,” I asked her.
“How do you stay positive at everything that’s been thrown at you,” she replied.
For moment I see all these memories of me struggling flash before my own eyes, just like in those dramatic movie scenes that a character would experience before dying. And I told her, “I just go with the flow.” Our conversation ended there for the night and it was never picked up on another night. Of course, we have conversation from time to time, but we just never picked up that one conversation.

There have been times when I silently cried, times when I’m upset at myself and angry at myself for choices that I have made knowing the consequences. Times when I wished I can cast a spell magic and turned back time. However, I can’t waste time right now thinking about the times I want to go back and change. So, instead I move on. And when I begin to think about those times or say anything like “I wish I can turn back time” I think about all the wonderful things that had happened. And I think about all the time that I had to let myself mature and reevaluate myself and my goals all over again. To think about the person that can I become and not change into some person that I can become but not the true me.

These endless marathons and races that I keep reaching after one another, sure I’m tired of them. Because just when I think I’m done, I have something else to worry and be occupied about. However, it is these endless beginnings that makes me who I am and bring me to the people I know and cherish today. These endless beginnings are just here to make me stronger, smarter and build me into who I will become.

In the end everything will be alright, everything will slowly start to come together piece by piece. You cannot rush a master art piece, it comes with patience and time. Everything is alright.

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Hopefully not, Stay Well

One day as I walked on the paved road in the park I saw young fit man jogged right passed me. My friend poked me in the ribs telling me how cute he was. I couldn’t see his face clearly because I had left my glasses in the car. But my friend had good taste in men considering their looks but not their personality. We were the only three in the park besides the two workers who were each mowing the two soccer fields. As my friend and I sit down for a short a rest he jogged right passed by us but stopped and turned around.

My friend tapped my right arm hard as she started to get excited as he walked closer and closer, but I ignored his approached. Talking to guys or men isn’t my sort of thing. He stopped right in front of us and asked to sit with us, my friend agreed and scoot closer to me even though the bench had plenty of more spaces beside both of us. He sat next to my friend.

For thirty minutes, they talked as I listened while I played games on my phone. Finally, he asked for my name and I told him. He told me he met a girl a long time ago at some of his relatives’ house with the same exact name as mine. And he told me the girl he met was with another girl and told me the name. The other girl’s name ranged a bell, I knew her. I mean she is still alive and well living across the street from my road, but we just haven’t talked in years. Finally, by this point I looked at him straight into his eyes and described the other girl. It was the same girl. We had met before.

However, before we could even have a conversation his friends showed up for a soccer game. And they also decided to join us at the bench. Before I knew it, it was time to go home. By now my friend had flirted and talked with every single guy that showed up. Just before I was about to opened the driver’s door, he stopped me by calling my name and told me how great he felt to see me again at ten something years. And as a joke I told him maybe we’ll meet again in ten something years. He laughed at my joke and agreed, but left me with some last words “Hopefully not, stay well.”

“Stay well.” Those were the words that he told me when we first and last met a long time ago. And much to my surprise I have been living well, very much well to my satisfaction.

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Anxious Mornings

There are mornings that I don’t want to get up from my bed. I just want to close my eyes all day and not do anything. I don’t feel like seeing my friends. I don’t want to hear about their problems or hear about their exciting previous days/nights. Instead I just want to curl up and hide under my blanket. I get anxious going to class. Get anxious of getting called on to answer a question and I might look stupid giving the wrong answer. I get anxious that I may not know what I’m doing and everyone is laughing at me. I get anxious that no one wants to work with me. I just preferred to be in the background where I easily blend in. I get anxious sitting alone at table in cafeteria as wondering eyes heads my direction thinking that I don’t have any friends. And I barely have a lot of friends on campus.

Mornings like those I just curled in my bed a little longer and think about all the weight on my shoulders. It feels as if the whole world is sitting my shoulders and I just want to cry. I look into the mirror to reject my body and throw my book bag on and get going. And as I walk to my classes I silently tell myself it is only a few hours of survival. I sit in my classes and endlessly look at the minute hand on my watch. I can’t focus nor hear what my professor is saying. All I can think is “this day is almost over.”

Endless nights I think to myself “when did I become like this”? When did I became such a weak person? Tossing and turning in my bed I listen to the late night sirens and the screeching tires of reckless driving at 3 am. And I can smell the smoke of the lit cigarettes from outside as I can only think about how inconsiderate people are smoking close to the buildings. As I struggled to keep my eyes open I only pray for a better morning and if I can’t become my old cheerful self then for a better day when I slowly become a newer and stronger me.

 

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A Girl No One Wants to Date

I have had many of my guy friends told me “If I wasn’t dating so and so, I would have date you.” I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or not. Not only have I had my guy friends told me that but even my girl friends, “If I were a guy I would date you.” That I take as a compliment because it just makes me feel happy and I like to be happy. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Though, I know that if they were really guys then they wouldn’t want to date me.

I’m just one of those girls no one wants to date. For the longest time I have had many friends trying to hook me up on double dates and what not. Those double dates didn’t turn out so well because at the end of the night I’m just like the girl who lives right next door. There isn’t anything “WOW” about me. I have friends that try to get me to dress differently to just get a boyfriend. But honestly, my fashion has changed over the years. It’s like a yo-yo effect.

I went from not caring to how I look to fixing my hair, wearing make up, nice dressy clothes to show that curve (and little bit of stomach rolls), to heels that makes me appear nicer and taller, and back to nice comfy clothes and natural bare face.  Continue reading “A Girl No One Wants to Date” →

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Just an Introvert

I can never be an extrovert. Not that I have never try, I did and those were probably the moments I want to erase from my life. It takes a lot of courage for me to just approach someone and say “Hi.” So imagine all those times when teachers would make you introduce yourself in front of the whole class, yeah I wanted to kill me myself. In fact, I get so anxious and nervous that I forget the questions I’m supposed to be answering for my introduction. Or when the teacher is like “why don’t all of you talk for a moment to know each other and let me run back to the office to get (whatever the teacher forgot).” While everyone is talking, I’m just sitting there. It always seem that everyone has someone to turn and talk to, but I don’t. And I especially hate group work because apparently, I just don’t know when to jumped into the conversation and half time I feel like I’m not even being listened too.In fact I’m so used to being ignore that even when a group member ask me for my opinion I don’t say much and just go along with the flow.  I’m 24 years old and I still feel the same way.

Making new friends is something that I find hard too, I can’t be friends with someone that is always bubbly and very outgoing nor can I befriend someone that is way shyer than me. Even when I finally get the chance to talk to almost everyone in my class, I still feel out casted. I mean somehow everyone has each other’s number and here I am with only one other classmate’s number in case I miss class. So did I like miss out on the day where everyone decided to share their number on the board? And even when I hear a student asking another student “hey can I have your number” and everyone starts sharing number, I just can’t jump into the conversation. Not unless someone asked me first and then I’m totally in, I don’t have the courage to do so.

Most of my friends are also introverts, and we all agree one thing. If one person is left alone while everyone is out doing something like family reunions or some other event, that one person is extremely lonely. That’s how most of my weekends are at Western Carolina, I don’t have that many friends on campus. And on the weekends my friends are at home or working and if I want to do something fun I just can’t because there are no other people around my circle. Not to mention I spend my weekends fulfilling my youth with lots of Asian drama, studying, and napping. Of course, I also spend time doing Pilates in my room because I hate going to the gym.

More importantly, I hate it when someone tells me “oh you should go out and make some friends.” That’s a big NO from me because it just makes me more anxious and I just want to leave. Or when someone in general say “you should make new friends”  I just want to give them that look that says “Thanks for the advice, as if I haven’t try.” Additionally, as an introvert I find it extremely hard to just talk to anyone in general about my feelings and how horrible my day is. And that’s probably the only reason why I would buy stuffed animals time to time just so that I can have something to hold or hug while I just think about almost everything. At the end of the day it’s just me, my laptop/phone/iPad, books and more studying while listening to world of extrovertiness surrounding me.

 

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North Carolina Art Museum

The North Carolina Art Museum not only have a lot of nice art and photography collection, but also a very extraordinary exterior design. Actually, if you’re stuck in Raleigh and need to do some morning jogging you might as well check out the North Carolina Art Museum as it does offer a trail and you also get to see some nice exterior designs. As a bonus you can also bring you dog, but don’t forget to clean up after it is done doing its business.

During fall break I decided to visit some old friends in Raleigh, because I used to live there four years ago. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been there and nothing has changed much. Nonetheless, it reminded me about why I used to enjoy the busy city during my late teens and why I now decided that the busy city wasn’t really meant for me. Unless of course I get like a job offer that is willing to pay me more than $7.25 per hour. Even though it was a short stay we managed to get around to a few places. And the art museum was one of them.
Actually, when I was in Raleigh I only went there once for art appreciation class. Now, I’m not the type to stand in front of a painting or photo and be like “Hmm I can see that the artist was feeling nostalgia because look at the model and her expression” or like “In this victorian painting, I see the person isn’t a person in fact the way she painted her skin and eye color makes me think that she is a vampire.” Yeah, my creative side isn’t all “Bombtastic.” Nonetheless, I do appreciate a good painting when I see one or a good photo when I see one.
However, the thing about the art museum that I enjoy the most is the exterior design. It’s just beyond beautiful even though it’s like smack right down in the middle of busy roads and streets. And of course I also enjoy my thirty minute walk. I don’t have a picture of it because of course I decided that I didn’t need to charge my phone overnight since and then my phone dies while I’m taking pictures. But the part of the exterior design is a beautiful pond that you can walk around or bike around, whichever one you prefer. It also offer a pavilion (that I’m not so much awed by) that is supposed be some sort of shelter, I’m not so sure and can’t quite remember.Now for the museum itself it has two buildings, West and East. In the West building, according the lady at the front desk, are temporary collections so like photography and a few paintings. And so that building usually show new artwork and there are also paid exhibition to attend. In the east building is where the permanent collection are, it has a few of Rodin’s work and of course of classical painting. And don’t be surprised if  you see a bunch of kids, they’re just elementary students on an artistic field trip. I didn’t take pictures of the artwork and whatever is inside the two buildings because, well, I think it’s just a rule of thumb that everyone already know about why taking pictures isn’t allow inside an art museum.

It is a nice place to enjoy some nice artwork if you’re an art critic, but if you’re not then it is simply a nice piece of art to enjoy a beautiful weather.

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A Day in Life as an EMT Basic

Currently, I’m working towards to get state certify as an EMT basic. It’s a lot of work and studying, I actually have fun in lab because my instructor makes it fun. And as part of the course grade, we have to attend clinical rotations. Great, is all I can tell myself because that’s one thing that I didn’t actually think we’ll have to do. Of course, I should of know about it because it is a state course. Anyway I sign up for my first 24 hours clinical rotation a while back during my fall break. And as a new regulation we need at least 5 patients contact, I only need one more and will be going back for 12 more hours this coming Friday and the following Friday.

Growing up watching hospital soap operas or movies always make the work seems to fascinating, but really it’s not like that at all. My very first day as at clinical was awful, actually all three days were awful. I was just kind of like thrown into a truck and very confuse. I didn’t know when it was my preceptor’s turn to go out for a call. I asked the first day but of course the guy only told me I’ll know when my preceptor is going because they all take turn receiving call. Actually, I was really intimidated because as soon as I walk in no one didn’t really seem to care about my presence except for a few paramedics. I don’t know if that’s really the nature of paramedics since they don’t get paid at all for doing this, but really I just wanted to go home.
Continue reading “A Day in Life as an EMT Basic” →

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Loving Someone with Alzheimer

Loving someone with Alzheimer is painful. One day he/she wakes up remembering you and then the next minute you’re forgotten. You try to hide the pain by smiling and telling who you are and your relationship, but you know that deep down inside that one day you’ll really be forgotten. I should know because my maternal grandmother suffered from Alzheimer.

At first, I thought it was nothing major because I was still young. I was only still in middle school and had no interest in the health care or whatsoever. I thought she is just suffering from short term memory lost. Little did I know that her short term memory lost will forever made me become a forgotten shadow. She didn’t lived with us, she lived in another state. But she always came to visit us, until she got to old and health problems took away her energetic life. But she was always my grandmother. We talked on the phone and she recognize my voice away.

Soon she started to not recognize my mother’s, her very own daughter, voice. And my mom would cry silently after ending the phone conversation. I couldn’t understand why. My grandmother, when the phone was passed to us children, would asked who I was and who my siblings are, at first it started to be annoying because I would always have to remind her who I am.  And she get us mixed up.

One day though, I had a tough day at school dealing with senior project and AP level classes. After my mom talked to her and my other siblings the phone was finally passed to me and at this point I started to research about multiple diseases and disorders. This was when I finally started to realize that I had somewhat of an interest within the healthcare system. And I finally learned what my grandmother was suffering from. My grandmother asked me who I am again and this time around, I simply answer her “Your granddaughter who loves you.”  And she simply say, “I love you too.”

That was the last time I ever talked to her because I soon went away to college. My family received one last phone call from her and she asked to speak to all of us, that day she remembered all of us, our names and who we were. But I wasn’t home so instead she left my mom with the message “Tell Mai Kou that I loved her and for her to work hard.”A few weeks later close to Thanksgiving she passed away.

It was painful that she couldn’t recognize my voice like she used too or couldn’t name us when she looked at our family photos. But I appreciated the days when she recognized my voice and even cherish the days when she didn’t recognize my voice or forget who I was halfway through the conversation. There are days when I feel like time wasn’t long enough, but long enough to last forever.

 

 

 

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Letters not send, #3

Dear the Guy at the hiring event somewhere in NC,

Although, I remember your name I prefer to no use your name but rather simply refer you as the guy. And though, I was part of the hiring event I prefer to leave the city unknown.

This morning as I walk in for the hire event, as of course I volunteer to help being part of the company from your brother store an hour away, I couldn’t help but listened to you ridiculing an interviewee from the previous day. Though, you may have not been ridiculing her in my ears and eyes you were. The way you said out loud ” I don’t understand why you would want to work at a retail store especially when you have a bachelor degree in biology. I mean why would you want to work for a retail store?” Although, it sounded like any typical question, your tone and attitude were not. It sounded as if you were looking down on her, on me, my friends and family.

It wasn’t until I spoke up and you looked surprised and everyone around look at me. And then you asked me about my own education background. In fact, I had more to say to you, more to say to everyone that were present. And more to say to people like you who question young people with high degrees. Continue reading “Letters not send, #3” →

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