Expensive Makeup: Is it Worth It?

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After years of buying and wearing drug store makeup, I finally decided to actually purchase a few products from Sephora. Every time I go to Sephora it was with my sisters and I just look around at the products. I, for one, didn’t understand the craze of buying high-end products because I can get more for less at CVS, Walmart, Target, and Walgreens. The main reason why I decided to make my first purchase from Sephora was because of YouTuber Tina Yong. I watched one of her videos where she demonstrated one of her everyday makeup looks using the Huda Beauty Rosegold Remastered palette. From there, I realized that the purchase was definitely worth it. Therefore, I made two more separate purchases from Sephora.

The sad part to my purchases is that I don’t have the time to get up and do my make up every day, therefore, they’re just sitting in my makeup caddy. And I don’t really have that many special occasions to attend to that I feel the need to put it on my face. Did I just waste my money on buying them?

Yes and no. I can definitely say that I already had too many makeups that are still good and didn’t need to buy any more. All my drugstore makeup are the newer versions, for example, the Maybelline Super-stay liquid lipstick and those city mini palettes. Additionally, I barely wear my drugstore makeup nowadays. However, buying those expensive makeup makes me feel good about myself. I work hard to earn my money and after dealing with rude customers for weeks, I should treat myself to something nice besides eating out. Moreover, it’s not like I don’t use my expensive makeup. I do use them, for example, I wear them a few weeks ago when I went out on my friend’s 27th birthday. And on my days off, sometimes I feel like wearing makeup because I just want to pamper myself since I always look so haggard at work. Plus, wearing makeup to work is something I just don’t do. The only thing I wear to work is a moisturizer and tinted face cream.

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So, is it worth it to buy expensive makeup?

Definitely. However, I have to say that if you’re not a makeup artist, intending to become a beauty guru YouTuber, or Instagram famous then you should buy it as a reward for your hard work. Maybe not three times in a row, like me but definitely once in a while. The quality of expensive makeup is so worth the money. I wouldn’t advise you to buy something from Sephora/Ulta for a friend, but a gift card of $25 shall do because they only have to worry about paying for a part of the price.

On the downside, I don’t suggest buying a new makeup line just because it’s created from your favorite YouTuber or celebrity. It can be all the craze around the makeup community, but if you’re buying it just because everyone else has it then that’s just a waste of money especially when you know for sure that it’s just going to sit in your makeup collection. For example, when Fenty first came out a lot my friends went to go get it. Out of my handful of friends, only two of them ended up using their Fenty products while the rest sort of forgot about it or just left it laying in their collection.

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Owning expensive makeup won’t make you feel more expensive or become prettier. It’s just another item to add to your collection saying you own something of high quality and it’s expensive. Definitely, not something to brag about to your friends or siblings. It is a nice reward to get for yourself as a birthday present, passing a hard test, getting good grades for the semester or after earning that degree. At the end of the day, you buy what you want to buy.

How I’ve Been Feeling

Hello Readers,

I know it has been quite a long time since I’ve been active, but a lot has happened for these past three months and I just needed time to think and recollect my thoughts. Nonetheless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. For these past three months, I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life because lately, I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. I have been spending my days dreaming about how I so wish for my life to be so more different. There has been so many “what if’s” that I just keep questioning myself which in turn makes me doubt my own capabilities. Life has been hard and I’m trying my best to stay put together, but I’m still a mess. There are days when I get up and I just look at the mirror telling myself “You’re 26 years old and you have no life. No real career. You’re just one hot mess and need to get your shit together.” Yeah, I’ve been hard on myself lately.

It has been hard waking up in the morning because I just don’t want to wake up since I’m so tired. I feel tired all the time. Tired, cold, and hopeless. The things that I used to enjoy doing, I’m slowly starting to lose interest. I’ve been spending my money on useless shit like clothes I don’t really need, and expensive makeup that I don’t even have time to wear. I bought a ukulele when I shouldn’t have, but I bought it in hopes that I’ll pick up a new hobby. I have these fleece fabrics that I still need to put together to make blankets because thank goodness winter is still here. I hate going to work because I’m tired of dealing with customers. I’m tired of the drive, reckless driving, and traffic.  Now, I am not lying when I say my life has sucked lately because it has been.

I work too much, and I have too much time on my hands to be dealing with stupid and rude customers. I’m tired of my mom crying and muttering about how much life has changed since my father passed away. I’m exhausted from all the thinking I have been doing. I just want to run away home. I really want someone to talk to, I want to tell my friends, but I can’t. Always, I thought I was really close to my friends, most of them, but I guess I’m not that close to them. I feel like since I’m someone that comes off as strong, independent, responsible, and someone that they can come too when they need advice or help makes it all the harder for me to approach them to listen to me. Every time I meet up with my friends, it’s hard for me to tell them how I honestly feel because I feel like they expect to hear stupid funny stories from me.

I honestly do not know where or how my life will go from here on out. All I know is that my life right now is bitter, exhausting, and miserable. Despite that, I always pray for a little bit of sunshine each day, just enough to get through.

My Father’s Last Breath

August 12th, 2018 at 10pm my father took his last breath on this Earth. The entire day our house was filled with family friends and relatives. My aunts and uncles were with us the whole entire day from dusk until dawn. It was an exhausting day as everyone had already cried their eyes out and barely slept. While sitting in the living room with my other siblings, I silently re-evaluate my relationship with my father. It was a rocky relationship. My dad’s words have always been the “law of the house” and there were plenty of times when I wished we had a friendlier relationship. Though I was not the best daughter, including my siblings as well, I sat there wishing how I could have been better. I thought of how during and after college, I drifted from my parents. The taste of being away from home and having no restrictions to what I do and when I come back home was addicting.

When he was still at the hospital, the only thing we look forward to was the doctor’s approval of him getting into the rehabilitation center and then coming home. We were hopeful that he would make a steady recovery even though the doctors had warned us of his very limited time on Earth. The one thing we all hope for was to hear his voice, but at last, he didn’t even have the strength to say anything. The first few days when he arrived home, he would say a few words making broken sentences and it took three of us to make out what he was trying to say. Afterward, he didn’t say much because his throat still hurt, and he didn’t have the energy.

There are days and nights when I go for a long drive to get things out of my mind and I think of how I can live up to my father’s name. When he was still alive I wasn’t afraid of faltering because no matter how hard or soft I fail, he was always there to catch me. Now, the only one that had always had my back is gone and I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I set my goals too high I’ll fall so hard that I won’t be able to get up. I’ve always been a risk taker at everything I do, now I’m starting to think about consequences because the only person that would be able to help me, if I get into any problems that are out of my league, is gone.

From the day he was in the hospital up until his last day, I thought of all the words I wanted to say. Just six simple words, two sentences. I love you. I am sorry. At last, I could never do find the determination to say those words out loud to my father or on his deathbed. Four times I visited his grave, I just stand there and stare where he now lies. The words are still stuck at the back of my throat. There are times when I wished he was still alive, his body fighting against all odds. And when he fully recovers, my family and I can go on a trip. Everyone finally forgives one another, past mistakes, and move on. As I watched my father exhaled his last breath, my first time seeing the process of death, for the first time I wanted to stay home. I didn’t want the world pitying or sympathizing for me and my family.

I Wish…

Beach, Wind, Drift, Sand, Contrast, Structure, Sea, Sky
Credit: Janx (Pixabay user)                             https://pixabay.com/en/beach-wind-drift-sand-contrast-1106731/ 

I wish I was like the wind so my soul can set free from this vast garden of flowers, thorns, hives, and weeds. Thus, I’ll come a in soothing and calm wind storm to let Earthlings know of my happiness and joys. Perhaps, a roaring wind storm when I’m angry and upset. Even stay quiet and shut myself out from the world when many heavy thoughts are on my heart and sleep away for many days, weeks, or months.

I wish I was like the bright flowers that blooms on the first day of spring being picked by children and adults alike. Adding colors to Earthlings’ dull and gray lives. Waking up early in the morning without feeling tired and going to bed early without worrying about anything. And when fall approaches I can lay in bed for a long time, getting a good rest, and just wait for spring to come without any rush.

I wish was like a bird, any bird will do but I prefer being a yellow canary. So, I can sing in the wild share my sorrows without worrying being in tune. I can fly when I want and go wherever I want. Forever I’ll stay in wild and be spirit free. No one to judge me and if any birds shall judge me I’ll just flap my wings maybe give a peck or two with my tiny beak and fly away to another place.

I wish was like the river, full of life, laughter, mood swings, and running long and far. Instead of giving advice, I can finally just steer Earthlings to the right direction or maybe play a playful prank and steer them the wrong direction. I can cry when I want too and not be afraid to show my tears. I’ll worked up my currents when I get upset and calm when I’m too tired to play.

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Credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/river-surrounded-by-green-trees-158489/

I wish I can be like the mountains so I can be many times stronger. I wouldn’t have to worry about the people needing support from me. I can let them walk on my back and help them carry their heavy burdens. My soul would never get broken and my spirit would spread amongst many major vast of lands. I’ll see plenty of beautiful views that many Earthlings won’t bother to see.

Anxious Mornings

There are mornings that I don’t want to get up from my bed. I just want to close my eyes all day and not do anything. I don’t feel like seeing my friends. I don’t want to hear about their problems or hear about their exciting previous days/nights. Instead I just want to curl up and hide under my blanket. I get anxious going to class. Get anxious of getting called on to answer a question and I might look stupid giving the wrong answer. I get anxious that I may not know what I’m doing and everyone is laughing at me. I get anxious that no one wants to work with me. I just preferred to be in the background where I easily blend in. I get anxious sitting alone at table in cafeteria as wondering eyes heads my direction thinking that I don’t have any friends. And I barely have a lot of friends on campus.

Mornings like those I just curled in my bed a little longer and think about all the weight on my shoulders. It feels as if the whole world is sitting my shoulders and I just want to cry. I look into the mirror to reject my body and throw my book bag on and get going. And as I walk to my classes I silently tell myself it is only a few hours of survival. I sit in my classes and endlessly look at the minute hand on my watch. I can’t focus nor hear what my professor is saying. All I can think is “this day is almost over.”

Endless nights I think to myself “when did I become like this”? When did I became such a weak person? Tossing and turning in my bed I listen to the late night sirens and the screeching tires of reckless driving at 3 am. And I can smell the smoke of the lit cigarettes from outside as I can only think about how inconsiderate people are smoking close to the buildings. As I struggled to keep my eyes open I only pray for a better morning and if I can’t become my old cheerful self then for a better day when I slowly become a newer and stronger me.


Letters not send, #3

Dear the Guy at the hiring event somewhere in NC,

Although, I remember your name I prefer to no use your name but rather simply refer you as the guy. And though, I was part of the hiring event I prefer to leave the city unknown.

This morning as I walk in for the hire event, as of course I volunteer to help being part of the company from your brother store an hour away, I couldn’t help but listened to you ridiculing an interviewee from the previous day. Though, you may have not been ridiculing her in my ears and eyes you were. The way you said out loud ” I don’t understand why you would want to work at a retail store especially when you have a bachelor degree in biology. I mean why would you want to work for a retail store?” Although, it sounded like any typical question, your tone and attitude were not. It sounded as if you were looking down on her, on me, my friends and family.

It wasn’t until I spoke up and you looked surprised and everyone around look at me. And then you asked me about my own education background. In fact, I had more to say to you, more to say to everyone that were present. And more to say to people like you who question young people with high degrees. Continue reading “Letters not send, #3”

My Parents and their Sacrifices

Everyone that came to America had the American Dream; however, the American Dream didn’t come that easily. There were many sacrifices that our parents had to make. And yet, the American Dream seem to be even further away just like how we’re always walking towards the sun but can never reach it. Many Hmong families still have lots of relatives back in Thailand and Laos and other countries like Australia and France. However, those in third world countries (Thailand and Laos) does not really seem to understand how we, Hmong Americans, live. Sure America sounds like the dream and anyone would want to live, but it’s not like money grows on trees Sometimes, I feel like they don’t certainly understand that while $20 seems like nothing and easy to earn, it’s actually hard to earn $20. And sometimes, we work so hard to just end up being poor.

My parents came to the United States, of course, they could have chosen to stay in Thailand, but what good would it be to live in refugee camps for the rest of their lives. The United States was the better choice. When they came to the US they didn’t know a single word, my dad wanted to go to school but at the end decided not too. Instead, he took part -time jobs working to provide for my mom, my grandparents, his younger brother, and my older sister who came to the US when she was an infant. Moreover, he didn’t really get the moral support from my grandparents to go to school.  Continue reading “My Parents and their Sacrifices”

30 Things that Make Me Smile

  1. Receiving a message from a friend
  2. Seeing or coming across a friend
  3. Reading a ridiculously hilarious joke
  4. Watching a funny movie scene
  5. Listening/watching parodies
  6. When a random baby/toddler smiles and greets me
  7. Peace and quietness in the house
  8. Eating something I deemed delicious
  9. A  nice and relaxable rest
  10. A touching realistic story
  11. My manicure turns out to be near perfection
  12. Getting a better grade than expected
  13. All plans or most of it goes accordingly well
  14. Finding a perfect new favorite pen
  15. Getting a surprise phone call
  16. Receiving a letter/birthday card from friends
  17. Seeing good news of my friends on their Social Media Accounts
  18. When my dogs actually listen
  19. Younger siblings don’t talk back
  20. Younger siblings help out without asking “why”
  21. Giving myself a hair cut or trim
  22. Talking/spending time with friends
  23. Parents don’t nag
  24. Parents don’t argue
  25. Younger siblings listen
  26. Learning a new language
  27. Seeing my friends tying the knot or getting engage
  28. Making a new friend
  29. Sketching the perfect sketch
  30. Seeing the seasons change

Live the Life. Don’t Just Exist.

Lately, I’ve been going around all my social media accounts and seeing post such as “Should I do what my parents say or what I want to be happy?” or “I don’t know anymore” and “What should I do with my life?” And these are actually people around my age experiencing their mid-life crisis; actually, the correct term is quarter life crisis. To be even more honest with you, I am also experiencing right now while I’m typing up this article. It’s just that I only tell my friends about my problems and not share it with everyone. Whether you live with or without your parents, these life crises can come at any time. I’m also glad to share, that my life crisis is about to be over because I just decided to accept all the things that went downhill and the things that went right.

I used to live up to expectations, guidelines, and that also includes curfews. Heck, I barely went out and hang with my friends during high school. Always home, studying, cooking and doing chores like a good house-daughter. Really though, my parents were both working and busy so someone needed to be home early and that was my older sister and I. Now, looking at our younger sisters whom see to be carefree and have the whole world to themselves makes me jealous and really wish that they for once they can be in my shoes, my sister’s and mine place. Guess that’s never going to happen. However, when I went to college I was like a soaring eagle but I never forgot that my goal was to make my parents proud and myself proud.  Continue reading “Live the Life. Don’t Just Exist.”

A Letter to Heaven

Dear Grandpa,

I feel like the time we spent together was so short. Actually, we never did spend any quality time together though we lived so close. I hated you so much and you probably did or did not know, but I hated you and hated grandma. There are times when I told myself that you only loved my brothers and cousins more, you care less about my sisters and I. Thus, I did not want to be a fidelity granddaughter to you or grandma. I was going to go far away from college, make you and grandma missed me and begged me to come home for a visit. However, you and grandma left back to California and I didn’t care. I was too busy in life too busy preparing for college. I didn’t give the tiniest damn about you guys until you really did left. And I cried because I regretted all the hate I put towards you and grandma. I cried because I don’t even have a damn memory of just the two of us being together. I have no memory of you except your gruff face, personality and you sitting out on the front porch every afternoon making stools and baskets.

I’m not saying I want you back because I know you are in a better place, but I did wish that you could have taken better care of your health and that you were not so stubborn because then you could have lived longer. In fact, I was not going to run away because wherever I go I would always come back home. And even if you were too lived in another place, I would still visit and stay with you. My only goal was to make you proud and that is still my only goal. I just want to be a granddaughter that you’re proud of. I didn’t want to give you any scars like how you unintentionally gave me.

Your love that I always questioned, it doesn’t even matter now because after a long while of being childish I knew that you loved all of us. And, I know that no matter where you are you are still looking out for us, protecting us from possible dangers. You’re always with us. As for grandma, I promised to go visit her one day soon when I am able to find a stable paying job. She misses you so much that she cannot leave California, but I promise you that she is healthy and fine as ever. I guess this is where goodbye ends for both of us after these long four years.

Thank you for everything.