Last December I wrote about my happy and single life. More recently, I also wrote about my experiences with online dating. However, lately, dating has not been on my mind because I find myself being busy with work and school. Additionally, living with my family probably influences why I am not currently in the mindset to seek a relationship. I have too much fun with my siblings.However, a few days ago, I ran into an old acquaintance at Walmart. I was trying to avoid her, but that did not go well. When she approached me, she asked me the usual questions and then asked if I was married and had any children. I responded no and that I was still living with my family. I do not understand why, but she got distraught and bitter after hearing that I am single and live with my family. The first thing that she said to me was, “That must be nice being able to wear what you want and buy what you want. I just do not have that same type of luxury.” I know that it does not sound so mean, but her attitude and her tone were very condescending.
I have run into so many old high school classmates who are now married and have children, but no one had said anything like that to me. So anyway, I made my small purchase, and as I drove home, I thought just because I live with my family means that I have the luxury to buy what I want. My paychecks go towards bills and groceries. I also realized that because I have no one to compliment me or comfort me during hard times, I always felt that I wished I had someone special. However, I do not, and after being single for so long, I have learned how to date myself. Let me begin with the basics.
I love flowers. For the past five years, I have been buying myself flowers (and cupcakes) on Valentine’s Day and my birthday. As funny as it sounds, I think that buying flowers for myself is engaging in some self-care indulgent. I do not believe that I need a boyfriend to buy me flowers and who is going to know that I am buying flowers for myself. I believe that buying flowers for myself is a way I can tell my mind, body, and spirit to cheer up and keep pushing forward. Selfcare is love and can bring happiness.
I am always discovering something new about myself. I used to have this mindset that I will just ask someone to do it for me if I think I cannot do it. I used to depend on my father a lot when it comes to car stuff. After my father passed away, I realized that I relied on him too much and that my brother, who is two years younger than me, cannot be the man like my father was. There were so many things that were going wrong with my car. First, I ran into a metal pole and damaged the front bumper during a heavy rainstorm, so I needed a new one. I also needed to change both headlights with new ones. Next, I needed an oil change, and my windshield wipers needed to be replaced. A relative commented that if I had a boyfriend or were married, I would not worry about all of the above problems. That only made me determined to learn everything myself. So I watched some YouTube videos, and with the helped of my baby brother, I did everything myself even though it took me half a day per task. As you discover new talents or new facts about yourself, you may even discover the qualities you want in a true partner. Moreover, there is nothing wrong with empowering yourself by learning a new hobby or taking a quick crash course.
I always joked that I have a commitment issue, but I think it is true. In the past, when I say I will be nicer to myself. It does not happen. I was quick to be harsh on myself and gave up on myself. I was stuck in this love and hate relationship with myself, where I had no hope for myself, I had no respect, and no love myself. However, I was tired of being in such a dark and depressing space over the years that I just decided to pick myself back up and push forward. For that to change and become real, the commitment I put in was no joke. I spent hours and days reflecting on what and how it went wrong. What is it that I want to happen, and is it the best choice for me. Commitment does not mean staying true and dedicated to someone or something. It also includes getting rid of toxic relationships and throwing away tokens that served as a bad memory. When you commit so fully to yourself, you will know what you want from a relationship, you will be able to see when a relationship is steering the wrong way and not for you, and you will know when to leave instead of staying.
I understand that we all want someone to grow old with. At least, I think that is the case for most everyone. However, it will not always happen. But, I do know that the one relationship that we will have is the one with ourselves. So, whether you are in a relationship or not, I think it is essential to put a little love, dedication, support, and affection into yourself.
Also I have now linked my instagram account on WordPress, so follow me at @lor.maimai to see what I am up to each month or feel free to click on one of the pictures on the right side screen under “Instagram” and it will take you to my account!